Category Archives: Rantin' and Bitchin'

Foodies, and Why I Hate Them

Yes.  I am aware of the fact that I just spent a week discussing my trip to a small farm to learn how to make raw milk cheese.  I am also aware that I went to that farm because I saw it on a foodie show.  You might think it makes me a hypocrite.  I contend that it does not.  I am not a foodie.  I love food.  But I am not a foodie.  Foodies are those pretentious guttersnots moaning about how wonderful offal is and discuss how they are going to get their Parisian cheese flown in.  I hate those people.

I just read this article in the Atlantic about foodies.  Go ahead and read it.  You will understand the people I mean.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait. Read the rest of this entry

WTF, AOTS?

Lady Aravan and I used to watch Attack of the Show on G4 faithfully.  Kevin Periera and Olivia Munn had fantastically goofy chemistry, the show was fun, and we both loved it.

Then Olivia Munn got all famous, wrote a book, got a gig on the Daily Show, then her own sit-com, and that was that.  For most of 2010, Kevin had to labor alongside a guest host every night.  Some of them, like Alison Haislip and Morgan Webb of X-Play, were great – not Olivia, but themselves, and that was perfect.  Others, well, didn’t do so well, and they were so memorable I can’t remember a single one of their names. Read the rest of this entry

And Now, A Brief Break Between Riveting Stories About Farms

This post is not a nice place to be.  Strong language, violence, and adult themes are present.  Reader discretion is advised.

Some people just set me off.  Being in contact with them makes me daydream of taking my freshly-poured hot tea, throwing it in their face, and reveling in their screams just before pummeling them into small bite-size pieces.  Just having them swish into my eye-line can evoke a murderous rage.  Actually being forced to speak with them is enough to spark the primal urge to SMASH.

Whew.  That needed to be let out. Read the rest of this entry

My Investment Strategy

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been told how to invest and grow my money.  The stock market.  Mutual funds.  IRAs, 401(k)s, blah blah blah.  By doing so, I’m told, I can expect a good rate of return over the long haul, making my money “work for me” (a nice bit of bullshit wordsmithing that means precisely nothing) instead of hanging around doing nothing.  This way, when I get old enough, I can Retire.  Ahhh, what a word.  Retire.  Days spent leisurely sipping lemonade on the porch – that’s what retirement seems to mean, at least according to the commercials.  Oh, and golf.  Lots of fucking golf in peach-colored pants and white belts.

I fucking hate golf.

Read the rest of this entry

The Shooting

Note:  This is long, it is rambling, at times incoherent, and should probably not be read by anyone.

After learning the details behind the Giffords shooting this past weekend – kinda strange that we call it the Giffords shooting, when she survived, when all those others did not; why not the John Roll shooting [and it goes to show that just a few days after the shooting, it took me ten minutes to actually find an article that references his name and not Giffords] – I was as disgusted as anyone, and probably a bit more than the average American.  I was disgusted that this is the world we live in, that any douchebag with a mental problem can get his hands on a gun and kill people with no real danger to himself, and that it took no time for people on either side of the political “spectrum” (hard to call anything that consists of two points a spectrum, honestly) to start pointing fingers at each other.  The ongoing debate over it all disgusts me.  Humans disgust me. Read the rest of this entry

Being Sick

You heard it here first: getting sick royally blows.

No, no, bear with me.  All that excitement you feel at the idea of a sore throat, hacking cough, a nose that goes from plugged tighter than the vacuum seal on the goddamn International Space Station to a sudden pouring rush like the freaking Niagara?  See, it actually isn’t all fun and games and getting off of work and sleeping like a cold remedy commercial.  It actually really really sucks.  It’s nothing like you see on TV.

Totally blows. Read the rest of this entry

Why Hello, Soreness, It’s Been Awhile

Hey, old buddy!  How are you doing?  Man, I can’t remember the last time you were around.  It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt that real true aching soreness that you bring!  I mean, when I was working out regularly, I barely noticed you at all – it was like you were around, you know, but kinda in the background.

Well, a few weeks off, and BAM!  You’re back, loud and proud, ain’tcha?  Hoo boy.  I forgot the joys and pleasure your presence brings around, like the complete inability to take my shirt off by raising my arms, the agony of stairs, the grimace of pain every time I stretch to reach for something.  Wow, it’s really great to see you again, really. Read the rest of this entry

Writerly Advice

Every writer, the world over, struggles often.  Finding the right word, or most elegant way to phrase a thought, or breathing life into a character whose only existence is among the carefully arranged symbols of an alphabet.  It can be maddening, liberating, and soul-crushingly depressing all in the span of seconds.  The blank white space of the paper or screen can mock and goad.  The specter of the dreaded writer’s block hovering over every pause and momentary mental blank-out.

One thing no writer is ever short of, though, is advice. Read the rest of this entry

Politics As Usual

As the title indicates, this post is about politics.  I am going to be mouthy and opinionated.  I will probably use a few curse words (UPDATE: yeah, I sure did.  A lot).  I just wanted to get that warning out there.  If bad language and one ignorant man’s opinions offend you, you don’t want to read this. Read the rest of this entry

Gently Rapping Your Head Against a Brick Wall, AKA Getting a Publishing Agent

Have you ever wanted to inflict yourself with crippling self-doubt? Perhaps you enjoy your current job, but miss the feeling of receiving rejection letters or simple stony silence? Does poring over a business form letter to ensure that it somehow manages to be both professional and stands out from the crowd all at the same time sound like a lot of fun to you? Then I have a suggestion for YOU! Try to get yourself a publishing agent! Read the rest of this entry