Foodies, and Why I Hate Them

Yes.  I am aware of the fact that I just spent a week discussing my trip to a small farm to learn how to make raw milk cheese.  I am also aware that I went to that farm because I saw it on a foodie show.  You might think it makes me a hypocrite.  I contend that it does not.  I am not a foodie.  I love food.  But I am not a foodie.  Foodies are those pretentious guttersnots moaning about how wonderful offal is and discuss how they are going to get their Parisian cheese flown in.  I hate those people.

I just read this article in the Atlantic about foodies.  Go ahead and read it.  You will understand the people I mean.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

See, those are the people I hate.  I despise pretension in all things.  I went to a cheesemaking class to learn how to make cheese because I am afraid of chemicals and hormones we dump into shit willy-nilly, the kind of shit that has caused the rate of breast cancer in men to skyrocket in recent years.  I didn’t do it because I want to rhapsodize about how heavenly that morsel of food was.  The dumbasses who delightfully discuss anything that’s expensive as being the world’s greatest thing – I’m looking at you, caviar slurpers – are the enemy of everyone with sense.  When the income divide finally turns to armed revolt, I imagine the foodies are going to be among the first group wiped out.  No one will miss them.

I eat for health.  They eat for their own gluttonous self-loathing disguised as virtue.  The article above describes in perfect detail everything I detest about them.  Same thing with watching “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” on the Food Network.  I like most of the chefs on there, but listening to them go on and on about how AMAZING the $40 salad they had – yes, a forty-fucking-dollar salad, a pile of lettuce and trimmings – is enough to make you want to choke the marrow right out of their pudgy throats.  “They take truffles, soak them in duck fat, and run them along the rim of your plate, which is thrown away before you can ever touch it.  It’s GLORIOUS.”  I want them all to get food stuffed down their throats to enlarge their liver, so they can be killed and some poor family can feast on Foodie Foie Gras.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love food.  I eat some “high end” things every now and again.  But I also love Taco Bell, and their “beef” is only 35% meat and 65% filler (including sodium dioxide, or, as Stephen Colbert put it, “it’s street name – sand.”)  Food is good, but let’s knock off the fucking pretension and food porn (the long lingering shots over saute pans – Taylor Florence is the fucking WORST when it comes to that shit).  Instead, watch Two Fat Ladies.  “Let’s garnish it with some chopped parsley.  It’s RAVISHING.”  It’s a plate of flour and potatoes, none of which were shipped in from some exotic locale.  I love them.

Fucking foodies, man.  Worse than hippies.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on February 11, 2011, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Hahaha! Until I read your linked article I would have thought I was a foodie… I’m not a foodie after reading that!

  2. I wasn’t sure really where the author of The Atlantic article was going at times, but the comments below it are pretty fun. I do like Bourdain, although I really could give a shit what his opinion is, he is fun to watch. I received Good Eats: The Complete First Season for Xmas, but still have yet to open it, and I am a Top Chef fan. I don’t think I even know any foodies…Maybe it’s an East Coast thing.

    • I think it’s definitely an East Coast and West Coast thing – probably epicentered around New York and LA, the US capitals of insecurity. Bourdain is great fun to watch, and I love it the most when he does stuff on street food. I couldn’t handle the Paris one very much. Anytime any cooking show centers around dishes that contain a 1-inch square of food with foam on it, I get annoyed. “Cutting edge” chefs just get on my nerves. I did love Top Chef once upon a time, but got away from it for some reason. Worst Cooks in America and The Next Iron Chef are the competition shows I tend towards myself.

    • Couldn’t* give a shit.

  3. I saw a newspaper article about how Americans are eating increasingly exotic foods at home. I bet this trend is a result of both immigration from increasingly exotic places (but still from Earth so far!) and yuppies with burnt-out tastebuds.

    These yuppies with the burnt-out tastebuds are the foodies that’ll eat anything with a fancy name, no matter how expensive or how repugnant it tastes or looks. (Chop Suey, a common item, looks like someone “engaged the reverse swallow feature” after eating seaweed and leaves.) You could launch them to any random country (except a famine zone of course) and they’ll eat anywhere.

  4. I agree with your whole article except I don’t believe you when you say you eat for health, and conversely love taco bell. If you EVER eat there I’m not buying that you’re actually afraid of hormones.

    PS, if it hadn’t been for hippies, you’d never have the option today of buying organic.

    • Loving Taco Bell doesn’t mean I eat there anymore.

      Plus, I use the term “hippies” as an intentionally silly term. I try to make that clear in the context of sarcasm. ‘Cause they’re dirty hippies, see.

  5. Well, healthtards are just as big of wankers as Foodies. Health isn’t the point of fucking life, y’know? The only point to anything is to get what you can out of it.
    Foodies are shits because they’re pseudo-expert jackoffs who get all their information from television.

    Just like Health Food poofs.

    Fuck the lot of ye.

    • I’m not much of a health food fan myself. I don’t even know what “health food” is supposed to be referring to. Is granola healthy? Is trail mix, or is it just a bunch of fat? Anyone who takes anything to an extreme is generally an asshat.

  6. i hate foodies because living in texas people from the northern state’s think your dumb when i was in new york me and my mom couldn’t find a decent restaurant to eat at finally a nice young man told us to just dine in at the air port so we did and we had a blast a foodie is most likely a bored obese slob who is trying to make up for his lack of control and eating is his hobby it stem’s from people like anthony bourdain and andrew zimmern also the cooking channel and food network suddenly people are foodies and know better than you a lot of these sad border line retarded assholes can’t even cook the food they so desire with the sad demise of gourmet magazine these retard’s fill pinterest face book with pic’s of food yeah sad life

    • Well, to be fair, if you can’t find a good place to eat in NYC then you probably can’t find a good place to eat anywhere.

  7. Your definition of foodie is inaccurate. You are obviously a disgusting foodie. I hate them all.

  8. You don’t eat cheese for health. It’s disgusting. Try an apple or something that’s not made completely out of fat.

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