Foodies, and Why I Hate Them
Posted by Alan Edwards
Yes. I am aware of the fact that I just spent a week discussing my trip to a small farm to learn how to make raw milk cheese. I am also aware that I went to that farm because I saw it on a foodie show. You might think it makes me a hypocrite. I contend that it does not. I am not a foodie. I love food. But I am not a foodie. Foodies are those pretentious guttersnots moaning about how wonderful offal is and discuss how they are going to get their Parisian cheese flown in. I hate those people.
I just read this article in the Atlantic about foodies. Go ahead and read it. You will understand the people I mean. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
See, those are the people I hate. I despise pretension in all things. I went to a cheesemaking class to learn how to make cheese because I am afraid of chemicals and hormones we dump into shit willy-nilly, the kind of shit that has caused the rate of breast cancer in men to skyrocket in recent years. I didn’t do it because I want to rhapsodize about how heavenly that morsel of food was. The dumbasses who delightfully discuss anything that’s expensive as being the world’s greatest thing – I’m looking at you, caviar slurpers – are the enemy of everyone with sense. When the income divide finally turns to armed revolt, I imagine the foodies are going to be among the first group wiped out. No one will miss them.
I eat for health. They eat for their own gluttonous self-loathing disguised as virtue. The article above describes in perfect detail everything I detest about them. Same thing with watching “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” on the Food Network. I like most of the chefs on there, but listening to them go on and on about how AMAZING the $40 salad they had – yes, a forty-fucking-dollar salad, a pile of lettuce and trimmings – is enough to make you want to choke the marrow right out of their pudgy throats. “They take truffles, soak them in duck fat, and run them along the rim of your plate, which is thrown away before you can ever touch it. It’s GLORIOUS.” I want them all to get food stuffed down their throats to enlarge their liver, so they can be killed and some poor family can feast on Foodie Foie Gras.
Don’t get me wrong. I love food. I eat some “high end” things every now and again. But I also love Taco Bell, and their “beef” is only 35% meat and 65% filler (including sodium dioxide, or, as Stephen Colbert put it, “it’s street name – sand.”) Food is good, but let’s knock off the fucking pretension and food porn (the long lingering shots over saute pans – Taylor Florence is the fucking WORST when it comes to that shit). Instead, watch Two Fat Ladies. “Let’s garnish it with some chopped parsley. It’s RAVISHING.” It’s a plate of flour and potatoes, none of which were shipped in from some exotic locale. I love them.
Fucking foodies, man. Worse than hippies.