Category Archives: Health
My Advice About Losing Weight: Fourthly, Your Brain
It’s all in your mind.
This is a series of posts about losing weight. I broke them up so that I don’t produce an 8,000 word post you won’t read. Instead, it’ll be four or so posts that you most likely won’t read. I’m OK with that.
The first one had the intro and dealt with the basics. Read it first for a better feel for the context. The second one was about Calories Eaten. The third one was about exercise, burning calories, and yoga pants.
OK. We’ve talked about the basic premise – burning more calories than you eat – along with calories and exercise. Now, it’s time to get to the important part.
But but but diet and exercise ARE the important part! They’re the ONLY part!
Yeah, no. Not at all. All that stuff is great, and can be vital to the process of getting fit and healthy and all that. But more important than the physical aspects of weight loss is the mental aspect. See, if your mind isn’t behind what you’re doing, forget it. It’s over. That’s why I don’t buy any of those “tips” that talk about “fooling your body into thinking you’re full”. Eating crunchy bread (/wanking motion), chewing your food extra slowly (/roll eyes, wanking motion), drinking 87 glasses of water during dinner (/wanking motion into Spider-Man gesture) – all of those things designed to “fool your body” aren’t going to work, because your brain knows the trick. The reason why we eat too much and don’t exercise enough isn’t because of body signals. It’s our brain saying “I can totally eat this large pizza. I want to eat this large pizza. I will eat this large pizza.” Most of us don’t even know what real, actual hunger feels like. But our brains sure as shit know that when we’re bored, an ice cream sandwich is a great answer. Our brains make us fat.
It’s a pretty powerful little bastard.
But that power can be harnessed for good. In fact, it MUST be harnessed for good, or you won’t succeed. This post is all about the Mental aspect of fitness.
My Advice About Losing Weight: Thirdly, Exercise
I hate treadmills so much. Maybe you don’t.
This is a series of posts about losing weight. I broke them up so that I don’t produce an 8,000 word post you won’t read. Instead, it’ll be four or so posts that you most likely won’t read. I’m OK with that.
The first one had the intro and dealt with the basics. Read it first for a better feel for the context. The second one was about Calories Eaten. It also has invaluable parenting advice that is best ignored, like the rest of my advice.
A quick word about advice before I move on. All advice is pretty much worthless when taken in whole. My advice about taking advice is this: take what you like, chuck the rest. Chances are very good that you can take the exact opposite path of my advice here and lose weight, because the only truly useful advice I have is to Do What is Right For You. The rest of it is mostly stuff that worked for me and might be of use to you. Also, quit wasting money on diet books. Use that to buy a food scale.
Moving on.
Calories Burned
Ahhh, exercise. The bane of many a weight-loss plan. Some people LOVE exercise. Most people dread it and hate it. Why is that? I think it’s because the people who love working out are – wait for it – doing something they honestly enjoy. And that in a nutshell is my advice about exercise. Find something you like to do that involves moving your ass, and you too will love to exercise. If you hate running, don’t run. Don’t listen to the people who tell you that you should run because running is the best exercise ever. They say that because they like to run. If you hate to run, then doing Couch to 5k is a bad idea. You will hate it, resent it, and stop doing it.
That’s the big fat secret to exercise. Find something you like. Do that thing.
My Advice About Losing Weight: Secondly, Calories
Eat salads if you like them. I don’t. So I don’t eat them.
This is a series of posts about losing weight. I broke them up so that I don’t produce an 8,000 word post you won’t read. Instead, it’ll be three or so posts that you most likely won’t read. I’m OK with that.
The first one had the intro and dealt with the basics. Read it first for a better feel for the context.
Calories Eaten
I was going to label this section “Diet”, as in the overall picture of the food we eat, but that word is banned. See, the key to long-term weight loss isn’t a diet. It’s not about detoxing or juicing or eating a grapefruit for breakfast every day (ahh, the 1980’s) or some “paleo” bullshit or low-carb or Nutrisystem or meal plans or any of that utter bullshit.
But they work!
OK, sure. Short-term, a diet works just fine. I know. I used to jump on the Atkins diet and lose 20 pounds in a month or two. I loved that diet. I ate that way for over a year at one point. So look at me, contradicting myself! OK, not really. The reason why diets and meal plans and all that shit don’t work is because they don’t simulate real life. Sure, you can starve yourself on the Water and Salt Tablet Diet to lose 15 pounds for your wedding, but I guarantee that during your honeymoon you’ll gain it all right back, plus 5 pounds more. Then you’ll look back at your wedding pictures and see yourself 20 pounds lighter, feel fat, and eat a quart of ice cream. Unless you plan to change your life after you finish the diet, you will gain the weight back. It’s what happens. Plus your significant other will get to makes cracks about how much weight you gained after the wedding and make you want to shiv them. You might want to avoid life in prison.
My Advice About Losing Weight: First, The Basics
I hate scales too. More about them later.
This is a series of posts about losing weight. I broke them up so that I don’t produce an 8,000 word post you won’t read. Instead, it’ll be three or so posts that you most likely won’t read. I’m OK with that.
All day every day, we see images and commercials and blog posts and signs and a million other things about losing weight and feeling good and getting TOTALLY RIPPED BRAH. We overhear coworkers, friends, family, hobos, whatever, all talking about how they are going to lose some weight or drop some pounds or something. I won’t bother quoting the statistics of “Americans spend eleventy-gatrillion dollars every second on diet and exercise products” or obesity rates or any of that stuff, because a) who cares, and b) no, really, who cares? Statistics are for chumps and journalists. Says the accountant.
So today I decided to dispense my shittiest of shitty advice to anyone who cares to read it. It’s about losing weight. What makes me an expert? Well, I AM a clinically-recognized expert in the field of Absolutely Nothing Whatsoever, and I have been recognized by the American Medical Association as one of the Six Billion People Worldwide the AMA Does Not Recognize One Bit. So why do I feel the need to unload my carefully-hoarded lore upon you? I’ll tell you why.
Winter in Derenemyn 