My Favorite Google Searches of the Last 90 Days
Posted by Alan Edwards
WordPress has a handy little feature that shows what search terms people used to get to your blog. I’ve posted on this before, but the searches are getting better and better and I need a distraction from my day, so I will once again highlight some of my favorite bizarre and random things that people type into Google and inexplicably choose my blog as their intended destination.
“unbuttoned to her navel”
I love this one, because the person put it in quotes to make sure they got the full, unadulterated phrase. Somehow, I don’t think they found what they were looking for on my site. I don’t even know which post they ended up on…actually, nevermind, it just came to me. Probably the GenCon photo post.
when did spend become a noun
I ask myself that every day. Hey, Anonymous Googler, if you find out, please for the love of God let me know. I’d like to track down the person who did it and put BioFreeze on their ballsack.
my weapon of choice is a fuckin shovel
Preachin’ to the choir, man. I’m with you 100%. I love the moxie behind this one. He ain’t askin’ a fuckin’ question. He just wants the fuckin’ world to know his weapon of choice is a fuckin’ shovel. I am almost certain that I didn’t type that into Google when I was drunk and end up on my own site. Fairly certain. Maybe.
fat women fucking dog stull
I almost didn’t include this one, because a) I have no idea what it means, b) I have NO desire to learn, and c) I don’t need more dog stull searchers ending up here. I am perplexed by this one, and slightly horrified that these 5 words somehow signify the End of Days. Based on this search, I’m not sure that isn’t such a bad thing.
too long didn’t read fuck that guy
I have the feeling this person was specifically looking for me, or at least wanted to send me a subtle hint. Message received.
it was one in 2011, so which sort of sky managed to beat the jinx? 25 years
I don’t know where to begin with this one. It feels like one of those sentences you use when holding a flash fiction contest. Write 500 words or less with this as the theme! Bonus points if you can figure out a way to use it verbatim and have it make some sort of sense.
suck my shovel
Ummmm….sure? I mean, I’m sure it’s cool, right, as long as we don’t make eye contact, ’cause then it’d be all weird.
super power shovel
Some things are WAY too powerful for mortal men. This is one of them, along with deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches dipped in caramel sauce. On a side note, I get a hell of a lot of shovel searches. I wonder why.
I… don’t know what that is, or how you get certified to become one. Or is the person saying that critics are asses? I NEED CONTEXT.
she likes you evelyne replied
Awww, that’s sweet. Again, how the fuck does that get someone here? No clue.
coolest man in the world steve montano
coolest man in the world steven montano
Damn right he is. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Keystone Light. This is probably my all-time favorite one. STEVEN MONTANO, come on down! Collect your prize! We need to come up with a trophy for him and get it engraved. This has been used MULTIPLE TIMES to get to my blog. You gotta love that.
vampires eucking and eating humans hearts
I can only assume “eucking” is the cool hipster term for playing Euchre. I can totally picture a group of vampires playing cards with a bowl of human hearts as snacks. If I were an artist, I would totally draw that, like the dogs playing poker picture.
why is everybody writing young adult novels that suck
My best guess to this one is: to make a shit-ton of money. As far as I can tell, it’s working.
i’m afraid my coworker is an alcoholic
It’s OK, I’m not. I just binge drink on weekends. Occasionally, during the week. But never more than, say, 8 or 9 drinks. Usually. Before midnight.
alan edwards 10 speed hero
This is awesome in so many ways. The first is that it was searched multiple times. The second is that I think it’s the best title ever. I wanna be a 10-speed hero! I could have a theme song and everything, set to “Juke Box Hero” and have spokes in my eyes and shit. That’d be awesome. I’m Alan Edwards, Ten-Speed Hero. Fear me, villains on foot!
alan edwards waiting on the dead
I’m workin’ on it! Soon! Promise! It’s my NaNoWriMo project!
love is just fucking thing
Another multiple search. I love the poetry of this. I have no idea what it means, but I have no doubt that it’s a powerful philosophy.
i hate foodies
This and variations on this have been used over 45 times to reach my blog in the last 90 days. People hate foodies, apparently.
safeway commercial honest to goodness 2011
traci lords＆steve powers
Whoever searched for this was no doubt utterly disappointed. Not sure exactly why the searcher would actually click the result for my blog, because it had to be a serious longshot that I would have illegal porn playing from my blog site, but hey, I guess hope springs eternal in the horny mind.
Of course, I have the feeling that this post is just going to make the searches even weirder. I hope “coolest man in the world steve montano” becomes the #1 all-time search term.
But now, Fair Citizens, I must be away, my trusty Schwinn beneath me as I keep the bike lanes safe from villainy! ALAN EDWARDS, 10-SPEED HERO, AWAY!