My Favorite Google Searches of the Last 90 Days

WordPress has a handy little feature that shows what search terms people used to get to your blog. I’ve posted on this before, but the searches are getting better and better and I need a distraction from my day, so I will once again highlight some of my favorite bizarre and random things that people type into Google and inexplicably choose my blog as their intended destination.

“unbuttoned to her navel”

I love this one, because the person put it in quotes to make sure they got the full, unadulterated phrase. Somehow, I don’t think they found what they were looking for on my site. I don’t even know which post they ended up on…actually, nevermind, it just came to me. Probably the GenCon photo post.

when did spend become a noun

I ask myself that every day. Hey, Anonymous Googler, if you find out, please for the love of God let me know. I’d like to track down the person who did it and put BioFreeze on their ballsack.

my weapon of choice is a fuckin shovel

Preachin’ to the choir, man. I’m with you 100%. I love the moxie behind this one. He ain’t askin’ a fuckin’ question. He just wants the fuckin’ world to know his weapon of choice is a fuckin’ shovel. I am almost certain that I didn’t type that into Google when I was drunk and end up on my own site. Fairly certain. Maybe.

fat women fucking dog stull

I almost didn’t include this one, because a) I have no idea what it means, b) I have NO desire to learn, and c) I don’t need more dog stull searchers ending up here. I am perplexed by this one, and slightly horrified that these 5 words somehow signify the End of Days. Based on this search, I’m not sure that isn’t such a bad thing.

too long didn’t read fuck that guy

I have the feeling this person was specifically looking for me, or at least wanted to send me a subtle hint. Message received.

it was one in 2011, so which sort of sky managed to beat the jinx? 25 years

I don’t know where to begin with this one. It feels like one of those sentences you use when holding a flash fiction contest. Write 500 words or less with this as the theme! Bonus points if you can figure out a way to use it verbatim and have it make some sort of sense.

suck my shovel

Ummmm….sure? I mean, I’m sure it’s cool, right, as long as we don’t make eye contact, ’cause then it’d be all weird.

super power shovel

Some things are WAY too powerful for mortal men. This is one of them, along with deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches dipped in caramel sauce. On a side note, I get a hell of a lot of shovel searches. I wonder why.

ass critic

I… don’t know what that is, or how you get certified to become one. Or is the person saying that critics are asses? I NEED CONTEXT.

she likes you evelyne replied

Awww, that’s sweet. Again, how the fuck does that get someone here? No clue.

coolest man in the world steve montano

coolest man in the world steven montano

Damn right he is. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Keystone Light. This is probably my all-time favorite one. STEVEN MONTANO, come on down! Collect your prize! We need to come up with a trophy for him and get it engraved. This has been used MULTIPLE TIMES to get to my blog. You gotta love that.

vampires eucking and eating humans hearts

I can only assume “eucking” is the cool hipster term for playing Euchre. I can totally picture a group of vampires playing cards with a bowl of human hearts as snacks. If I were an artist, I would totally draw that, like the dogs playing poker picture.

why is everybody writing young adult novels that suck

My best guess to this one is: to make a shit-ton of money. As far as I can tell, it’s working.

i’m afraid my coworker is an alcoholic

It’s OK, I’m not. I just binge drink on weekends. Occasionally, during the week. But never more than, say, 8 or 9 drinks. Usually. Before midnight.

alan edwards 10 speed hero

This is awesome in so many ways. The first is that it was searched multiple times. The second is that I think it’s the best title ever. I wanna be a 10-speed hero! I could have a theme song and everything, set to “Juke Box Hero” and have spokes in my eyes and shit. That’d be awesome. I’m Alan Edwards, Ten-Speed Hero. Fear me, villains on foot!

alan edwards waiting on the dead

I’m workin’ on it! Soon! Promise! It’s my NaNoWriMo project!

love is just fucking thing

Another multiple search. I love the poetry of this. I have no idea what it means, but I have no doubt that it’s a powerful philosophy.

i hate foodies

This and variations on this have been used over 45 times to reach my blog in the last 90 days. People hate foodies, apparently.

safeway commercial honest to goodness 2011


traci lords&steve powers

Whoever searched for this was no doubt utterly disappointed. Not sure exactly why the searcher would actually click the result for my blog, because it had to be a serious longshot that I would have illegal porn playing from my blog site, but hey, I guess hope springs eternal in the horny mind.

Of course, I have the feeling that this post is just going to make the searches even weirder. I hope “coolest man in the world steve montano” becomes the #1 all-time search term.

But now, Fair Citizens, I must be away, my trusty Schwinn beneath me as I keep the bike lanes safe from villainy! ALAN EDWARDS, 10-SPEED HERO, AWAY!

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on October 13, 2011, in Kerfluffle and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. LOL. Good Lord.

    Who in the hell searched for this?

    “coolest man in the world steve montano

    coolest man in the world steven montano”

    And why haven’t they given me money? ;D

    Great post. I love this crap. The top 2 searches that get people to my site are for “Julianne Moore” and “Red-Headed Actresses”. “Jeremy Renner” got some hits, as well.

    Gotta love the internets. =D

    • It’s just a fact, now. In fact, the more we say it, the more true the Internet knows it to be. Soon, you’ll be the #1 suggestion when “coolest man” gets typed into the search box.

      We need to make that happen.

  2. I’m going to google all of these searches just to see which posts they bring up. LOL

    P.S. Now I have Juke Box Hero stuck in my head. Bastard.

  3. This really made me laugh. I really don’t even understand half of those searches. They are very, very funny. My personal faves were the “i am afraid my coworker is an alcoholic” (love your response), and “alan edwards 10 speed hero”, no explanation needed for that one, it is a classic and you ARE a 10-speed hero. So is this coolest man in the world Steve Montano actually Googling himself…or is he really the coolest man in the world? That is the question.

    Thanks for the laugh today. I needed it!

  4. You should write an autobiography. Alan Edwards: Ten Speed Hero. I would totally buy that! And shovel sucking…there are some odd fetishes out there. This may be one of them. I could maybe see you…indulging. Hahaha!

    I gotta check out this Word Press thingie. Only shit I ever get is from my domain stats, and it’s single words. So boring.

    Thanks for sharing these. Totally made my day!

    • The shovel is too sacred an instrument to be profaned in such a manner.

      And that’s an awesome idea for my sure-to-be-bestselling autobiography. At the very least, I may have to somehow incorporate that into my Waiting on the Dead project for NaNoWriMo.

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