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It’s Back, and Fast-Paced As Ever: Walking Dead S2 Ep 8

America’s favorite, and only, zombie series on TV returned this past Sunday. The last episode had ended with a climactic massacre of a barnful of “walkers”, culminating in the reveal of Sophia’s walking corpse and Rick’s dispatch of it. It was an exciting part in Season 2, which was a rarity in this bloated, shambling mess of episodes. Would Episode 8 pick up where the last one ended, full of action and suspense and gun-fightin’?

Well, yes and no. It picked up from the exact end of the last episode. Fifty-eight minutes later, there was action. Sigh.

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The Forever Lazy Commercial Makes Me Hate America

I saw this commercial last night on TV. For a while I thought it was an ingenious parody, poking fun at the Snuggie Era we find ourselves in. No self-respecting adult would wear such a ridiculous outfit, the whole idea was laughable, the scenes with people watching football in this low-crotched Dr. Seuss Whoville suit trying to look cool, the zip-flap to do your “duty” – it was a priceless, brilliant parody of the ridiculous nature of As Seen On TV consumerism.

Then it hit me. This isn’t fake. This is 100% for fucking real.

What. The. Fuck.

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Well, At Least They Found Sophia: Walking Dead S2 Ep 7

OK. I have to admit, I was a bit surprised by the turn of events from the mid-season finale (and when the hell did this trend start? I don’t remember shows doing this before. Is it just me, or did this crap just start happening a couple years ago? Or am I just dumb?). I fully expected more talky-talky and then Shane doing something reprehensible and getting his macho mug blown off. What we got instead was definitely more interesting.

It’s funny, because the last half of the show made me forget about the first half. I’m trying to remember what went on then. Much of it was pointless, of course, but that’s to be expected by now. Let’s see. Dale makes Glenn tell the group about the barn, because that’s how Dale operates. Instead of helping the kid out so that he can try to keep Maggie from melting down, Dale keeps his role as Group Cockblocker by not claiming he found out about the barn. Maggie, using her Female Telepathy that all women have, knows exactly what is going on from 150 yards away and gets pissed. Everyone in Glenn’s group gets all pissed off at the idea of zombies in the barn. In general, this episode is about being pissed off.

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Baby Drama, Guns, and Tattletales: Walking Dead S2 Ep 6

We’re almost there! Nearly caught up! I almost watched Episode 7 directly after Episode 6 last night, because for the first time in a while I was eager to see what was going to happen next. That’s a good sign. I decided to stick with the original plan I had, though, since if I watched more than one at once I was afraid that I get mixed up and that reviews for the earlier episodes would be colored by later ones. So, tonight I’ll watch Ep 7. I’m actually looking forward to it. Huh.

Which is odd, because it wasn’t like Episode 6 was awesome or anything. In fact, I find it hard to remember exactly what happened in a lot of it. The talky parts were pretty dull for the most part. I think what carried the episode for me was Shane, since Fuckin’ Daryl was reduced to a single glimpse of him in a tent. It also featured something that was awesomely realistic and true to life, which I appreciated since they didn’t have to do it.

The downside of this episode for me was once again Glenn (I finally saw how it’s really spelled! God I’m too lazy for this job.). He was asked last episode to keep a secret by two different people, including the girl who has been kind and desperate enough to bang him. But this week we learn that he is “without guile” and apparently even the thought of maybe having to lie to someone makes him uncomfortable and awkward and pained and moronic. So this guy has never been able to keep a secret, eh? I can picture him now: as a young teen, going to the dinner table, his father asking how his day was, and Glenn blurting, “I smacked off to the Sears catalog.” With his first girlfriend, who asks if her jeans make her look fat, “No, it’s all the French fries you eat that makes your ass so big and gross.” To a cop that pulls him over, “Yes, I know how fast I was going, and if you hadn’t pulled me over I’d have been doing at least 90.” I mean, OK, I get it, he’s supposed to be such a good guy that he can’t lie. So when Lori asked him the first fucking time to be discrete and he agreed, why didn’t he bring it up then? Does he not know that “discrete” pretty much means “keep your fucking mouth shut”? I think they overdid his truthiness thing in this episode to the degree that it became completely unbelievable.

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Blah Blah Talky Talky – Walking Dead S2 Ep5

Since I was on vacation, I didn’t get a chance to watch this episode til last night, so it’s not timely or anything, but whatever. Suck it up. I’ll be catching up with Episode 6 tomorrow, then Episode 7 Thursday, then we’ll be all caught up and everything and YAY.

My general impressions of this episode were boredom, followed by a serious WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE moment, then pretty much nothing after that. This episode seemed mostly to be about people talking and making faces at each other, interspersed with shooting friends in the head. I’ll be going over the episode in as much detail as I can handle, in no particular order. So I won’t be doing a moment-by-moment run-through but will instead, as usual, go with the major themes in the episode.

Oh, and try to stay awake.

The episode begins with a flashback showing how Lori hooked up with the chick with the shaved head. Oh, not “hooked up” like, you know, the horizontal kind’ve way, but more like met up. And I will not pursue that line any more. I’ve already erased three sentences. Suffice it to say that Lori and What’s-Her-Face are not exactly people I’d want to see hooking up. Anyway, Shane and Lori watch them napalm a city I can only imagine is supposed to be Atlanta. You get to see Shane do his weird sideways lope as he moves along. I have no idea what this scene is supposed to show us. That these people met somewhere and that Shane isn’t Carl’s dad? Yeah, we figured that one out already, thanks.

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Glenn Gets Some! Walking Dead S2 Episode 4 Review

I got around to watching Episode 4 last night. The reason why I didn’t get to watch it Monday night is twofold: I wasn’t in the mood to, and more importantly, my lovely wife wanted to play Assassin’s Creed. So when I got home last night, she asked if I planned on watching it, I nodded, and she told me that I’d better get my ass in gear so she could get back to assassinatin’. In other news, my wife is uber cool.

Overall, this episode felt really sluggish. Nothing really great seemed to happen, and for a while nothing awful did either. Thankfully, there was a dash of both as it progressed. The episode began with the funeral scene. I think. For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll go ahead and say it did. People were piling rocks to make a grave for Otis, only it’s not really a grave and more a memorial, since I don’t think anyone went back for his shambling corpse. I wondered if the pile of rocks was something they did for everyone that had died so far and they just added more to the top, because otherwise that is one serious fuckload of rocks if you’re not actually burying anything. I mean, it was like 5 feet high.

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Shane Makes Up For Last Week: Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 3

Can one scene make up for 55 minutes of mediocrity, dull conversations, pointless arguments, and a plot advancing at the rate of golden syrup oozing over a sweet buttery muffin (I had to fast for some lab work this morning, so bear with me)? I guess this episode of AMC’s The Walking Dead will do its damnedest to answer that question.

By the way, this is laid out roughly chronologically but I’m sure I’ve got shit mixed up in the middle somewhere.

The episode begins with Shirtless Shane, a running shower, closeups of his still-toned body (seriously, when does he get a chance to get enough nutrition and time to work out in the apocalypse? It’s been at least a few weeks, right? Everyone else is getting skinner. Shane is a-gettin’ buffier), and McShane shaving his head to get a good proper Maniacal Face going. What struck me was how callous he was about dumping his greasy man-hair all over the sink and poor exposed bar of soap. Other people have to use that bar of soap, you greedy non-hair-washing-for-a-month asshole. It probably looks like it’s covered in pubes now. One of those poor women is going to have to make a whole new batch out of manure or wherever it is soap comes from.

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Hey, I’ve Got a Great Plan: Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 2

OK. I was very hopeful after the first episode that things in Walking Dead Land would get better. In truth, I did like this episode more overall than the first, but it still had some pretty glaring problems. And for the record, I didn’t read the comic books this series is based on, so if they’re following the books to the letter (which they aren’t) and you want to say that the things they are depicting happened in the comic books, that’s fine. It doesn’t make the story problems magically go away. But anyway.

The episode starts with a flashback. Why, I’m not sure, since the flashback told us things that we already knew: Grimes gets shot, his partner the Ma-Shane tells his wife, who then tells her kid. We never saw it happen, but it seemed reasonable to assume that it would happen roughly along those lines. Maybe they thought we forgot he was shot and in a coma despite being reminded of it every single time Shane and that harpy of a wife have a conversation. Maybe they wanted to illustrate how difficult and heart-wrenching it is to be told that a family member you love has been shot, which I think most people probably would intuitively understand. Or perhaps they wanted to show that Shane wanted to bang his buddy’s wife and Rick and the harridan were having marital problems before he was shot, but the fact that the two started humping pretty quickly also does a good job of suggesting that perhaps there was some sort of attraction there. Most likely, I think the writers felt they needed a huge sign that says LOOK AT THE JUXTAPOSITION AND ROLE REVERSAL HERE! because they believe the average television viewer is dumb as fuck.

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My Thoughts on The Walking Dead, Season 2 Episode 1

I don’t know if I’ll do this for every episode of the AMC series, but I had enough thoughts about the first episode that I figured I’d babble on about them. At least I think I have enough thoughts. It’s really early and I’m tired so maybe I just have one thought bouncing in my head and it’s I LIKE CHEESE and this post will end up moldering in the Drafts area for a few months before it gets thrown out like a 7-year-old box of baking soda that hangs out in the fridge for some nebulous reason like “fighting odor” when I’m not really sure what odors there are to combat in a refrigerator but ANYWAY.

So, Walking Dead is back. I watched it last night. As a writer who spends an inordinate amount of time writing zombie stories, most people assume that I love reading about zombies and watching zombie movies and going to zombie dress-up events and all that stuff. I’ve got a secret. I actually don’t. Yes, I love every George Romero zombie film there is, even the ones no one else does. I love the Resident Evil movies, but that is also due to the Milla Jojovich factor, the actress that I have a free pass for from my wife for when we meet (right, honey? Honey? It was a joke! Honey? /grumble /makes couch into bed). I love Max Brooks’ zombie novels (and cringe when I think what Brad Pitt is going to do to World War Z. Just when I started to respect him as an actor and whatnot.). And honestly? That’s about it. There’s a couple throwaways like Planet of the Dead that I enjoy as well, but there is an awful lot that I don’t really care for in the slightest.

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Here Are Some TV Shows I Either Hate or Don’t Get

I don’t watch a ton of TV. I do have a bunch of shows I DVR and watch religiously like Archer, Tosh.0, Top Shot (I love Colby, and I love his teeth), some cooking shows (farewell, Good Eats, and thank you for really teaching me how to cook like a badass), Doctor Who, Top Gear, some BBC comedies… well, actually, that adds up to a shitload of TV. But hey, when repeats are factored in, it comes to just an hour or two a day at most. Some weeks we watch none at all.

Sometimes, though, I don’t have anything on tap, or I’m just trying to relax for a bit after work, and we’ll surf around and find something to watch. A lot of times it turns out to be odd shit like Mythbusters or What Not To Wear (don’t judge me) or – hey, I said don’t judge me – something like – you know what? Fine. Judge me all you want. I FIND THE SARCASTIC BANTER OF STACY AND CLINTON BOTH WITTY AND URBANE. So there. – or something equally random. It’s during these times that I am forced to see commercials, a vile life form I hate so vociferously that they can literally make me shake with rage. I have a friend who finds it endlessly amusing the gymnastics I’ll go through when diving 16 feet over a table, 2 dogs, a laptop, and couch to snag the remote so I can mute the first non-show sounds I hear. I really hate commercials.

Every now and again, though, I see them with or without sound. Or I’ll be flipping through the guide and notice the titles, and think to myself – what the fuck? Who watches this? Why? Is this country doomed? What follows is a list of some of those shows that make me wonder about or completely lose faith with humanity.

Oh, and if you’re easily offended, skip the “Toddlers & Tiaras” section below. Actually, you’re better off heading off somewhere else in general, but especially with that section.

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