The Forever Lazy Commercial Makes Me Hate America

I saw this commercial last night on TV. For a while I thought it was an ingenious parody, poking fun at the Snuggie Era we find ourselves in. No self-respecting adult would wear such a ridiculous outfit, the whole idea was laughable, the scenes with people watching football in this low-crotched Dr. Seuss Whoville suit trying to look cool, the zip-flap to do your “duty” – it was a priceless, brilliant parody of the ridiculous nature of As Seen On TV consumerism.

Then it hit me. This isn’t fake. This is 100% for fucking real.

What. The. Fuck.

Out there, there is an advertising team that had to spend weeks in meetings coming up with this idea. Actors fucking auditioned for a shot to be filmed wearing these fucking things.  Somewhere, focus groups spent time weighing in on their feelings about this product and its advertising. Executives wrote memoes about this fucking thing that makes people look like they just took an eight-pound shit in a pair of pink longjohns. In this country, someone is waiting for this fucking thing to come in the mail and they are fucking excited for it, praying it gets here before the weekend. Chinese laborers are jumping off of buildings because of the backbreaking labor going into the latest Thneed. Some corporate soulless dickhead schlep got a bonus for coming up with the clever-ass names of the different colors: Workday Blues, Hanky Pinky Fuschia (and let me tell you, the only sex you’re going to get in one of these things is if you put on a giant animal head and go to the local furry convention), and Asleep on the Job Gray. I shit you not. Those are the motherfucking names of the motherfucking colors for these motherfucking ridiculous adult footie pajamas.

In my nightmares, I am chased by a person wearing one of these, a pair of flip-flops, and a fucking trucker hat turned sideways.

Forever Lazy. Forever-Fucking-Lazy. Jesus fucking-a christ in a goddamn diaper. It’s like the scene from Wall-E. I see a country full of 500-pound people in easy chairs talking about their fucking onesies and how awesome they are. Forever. Fucking. Lazy. Fuck it. Let’s just embrace it. I hope they make a red, white, and blue one and call it Fat Capitalist American Pig. They can throw in a fucking cowboy hat for free. Let that be the enduring image of our country. Fuck you, Forever Lazy, and fuck the message you are sending. And fuck the old lady knitting on the couch in one.

Have a great weekend.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on February 3, 2012, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. That is a commercial for a real product? Really? Wow.

  2. This reminds me of the super-comfy jeans for chicks infomercial a while back, where they look like jeans on the outside but were actually fuzzy-lined sleepwear pants with stretch waists… It was so you could go outside in your jammies, essentially. *gag*

  3. This may be your best rant yet. I especially adore the “Fat Capitalist American Pig” bit.

    I’m going to buy you one of these for Labor Day. 🙂

  4. I want an autograph of someone brave enough to wear this thing to a tailgate party.

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