Blog Archives
We Can Only Tell the Stories We Know
Posted by Alan Edwards
A lot of people loved the first Matrix movie. I did as well. Unlike me, an awful lot of people who watched the next two movies didn’t like them at all. The story didn’t seem to go the way they wanted, or seemed pointless, or didn’t have enough of what made the first movie great. It’s understandable, in a way. The first movie was the traditional Coming of Age story people know and love: the Hero learns of his destiny, gradually accumulates understanding of his power and role, and ends the movie committed to his cause and in the fullness of his power. Yay! It’s very traditional, the ending is happy and all go-get-’em-feel-good-pow that audiences love. It’s a character arc that can do nothing but rise.
So when the Wachowski brothers continued the story, with the understandable desire to finish the saga of Neo and the Matrix and all that stuff, it wasn’t received as well. The character arc dipped and meandered, things happened that people didn’t expect or particularly care for, and vilification ensued. It wasn’t what the audience wanted.
Well, you know what, audience? Tough titty.
Posted in Philosophizin'
Tags: I Have No Idea What This Is, Shitty Advice, Speechifyin', Writing
Too Long, Didn’t Read
Posted by Alan Edwards
One of those Rules of Blogging that I never bother to follow is about post length. Supposedly, blog posts are supposed to be 400-600 words in length (that’s a total guess. I hate research. There’s this dude in my brain who looks like me and works like me, and when I wonder shit like “hey, what’s the ‘rule’ about post length again? How long?” the little Me looks up from the game he was playing or book he was reading or whatever he does when I don’t ask him shit and shrugs, takes a random guess at something someone in Memory once heard about, and goes back to what he’s doing. I should give him a raise. He’s my kinda guy.). The reason? People don’t have time to read anything longer than that. Anything after word 601 is just a blur of text that makes people feel all swoony. So unless they can see the end of the post from there, it’s too much. They have to stop reading RIGHT THEN. Some of those people are kind enough to warn the poor, misguided blogger that they’ve become a health menace, and so they take the time from their incredibly fast-paced, meaningful lives to comment on the post. Some will say Too Long, Didn’t Read – but that takes too much time to write. So instead, it’s become TL/DR.
And no, this isn’t a joke.
A Friday Rant: Angsty Vampires
Posted by Alan Edwards
First off, sorry it’s been so long since I rapped at ya (thanks, Jim Anchower) but, well, shit happens. This week, it happened for me a lot. Back to the show. Oh, and serious profanity ahead.
It’s ubiquitous now. It’s as ingrained in our culture as breathlessly reporting on the antics of a bunch of skanks and meatheads. It’s everywhere we go, everywhere we turn.
Angsty fucking vampires.
Posted in Rantin' and Bitchin'
Tags: Annoying Things, RAGE, Speechifyin', Two Minutes' Hate, Whining
Two Problems I Have with (Some) YA Fiction
Posted by Alan Edwards
I’m gonna get the disclaimers out of the way first. I don’t have it out for Young Adult fiction. I respect the work that goes into it, because writing anything is hard. This post does NOT say anywhere that YA fiction sucks (except the three words before this parenthetical aside) or that it’s all terrible or anything like that. Some is terrible, certainly. But I am not attacking ALL YA fiction. I have some problems with every genre, from fantasy (chainmail bikinis! Dual-wielding rangers!) to science fiction (convoluted science-like mumbo-jumbo! Space-suit bikinis!) to zombie stuff (zombies with a twist! Survivors in bikinis!) and on and on. So just so we’re clear: I do not hate ALL YA fiction. Just some. Here’s why.
I’ve written a lot of shit in my day. Some would argue that it’s pretty much all I write, and to that I say, meh, okay, solid point. I’ve written training manuals, software help files, fantasy, horror, fantasy horror, fantasy training manuals of horror, exercise DVD reviews, football articles, farm tour memoirs, restaurant reviews – you get the point. I feel like I can write in pretty much any genre if I get inspired, from romance to fanfic to tourist guides and so forth. There is, however, one genre I could never write:
Young Adult fiction.
I can’t do it. I can’t imagine doing it. It would be impossible for me to have the perspective necessary to pull it off well. However, like any critic, I sure know how to bitch about something I can’t do.
Posted in Rantin' and Bitchin'
Tags: Annoying Things, Media, Shitty Advice, Speechifyin'
Oh, Just Publish the Fucking Thing Already
Posted by Alan Edwards
This post is likely to be a minority view. It certainly goes against a lot of conventional wisdom. But it’s a viewpoint, maybe worthy of consideration, maybe not. Your mileage may etc etc.
I’ve been reading a lot lately about how other writers go through the process of putting words onto paper (both virtual and actual). Some of it is about how they write, what they listen to, their favorite chair. Other parts are about how they either plan to or already market their work. The rest of the time, though, it’s all about The Rest of It. The publishing aspect. Critiques. Discussions. Edits. The birth process from Unpublished to Published. The messy, bloody, screaming struggle to bring something into the world that fills you with joy and wonder, and eventually, the panicky thought what the fuck do I do now?
I want to talk about that part.
Allow Me to Waste a Few Minutes of Your Time
Posted by Alan Edwards
What you are doing, right now, is reading the words that I’ve just finished typing. During the time that you are spending reading them, you could have done a million other things. You could have studied for some important exam. You could have started learning a foreign language that no one has even invented yet. You could have worked on that project your boss dropped on your desk or stared moodily at the ceiling or gotten some more coffee or chatted up that looker from down the hall or whatever. But you didn’t. You’re reading this, and I’m wasting your time.
It’s the highest compliment I can ever be paid. Read the rest of this entry →
I Am The World’s Worst Writer And I Totally Suck
Posted by Alan Edwards
I go through crippling periods of self-doubt when it comes to my writing. Luckily, at the moment, I am not in one of those trenches of despair where every word I type including “Sincerely, Aravan” looks ungainly and wrong. Bad word choice. Probably spelled wrong even though there isn’t another way to spell it. Tone is flat, metaphors lame, characters boring, setting insipid, point pointless, and everything I’ve ever written should probably just be gathered and burned so I can crawl into the supply closet of some abandoned factory somewhere and never have to reveal my stupid face to the world.
Other days, I feel even worse.
If you’re a writer, or have ever written, or ever plan on writing so much as an email in the future, then I hope you go through this feeling of utter self-loathing several times in your life. Why? Because I am a small bitter person who takes some measure of meager self-satisfaction from the joint suffering of others and will take whatever mean-spirited path I need to in order to make myself feel better. But also because I think it makes you a better writer in the long run. Read the rest of this entry →
My Name is Aravan. I Use Bad Grammar.
Posted by Alan Edwards
I am a writer, and I have sinned. I have committed grievous and continuous offenses to all forms of correct English grammar, and I approach the altar as a supplicant, begging forgiveness. I have let my participles dangle obscenely. I use Inappropriate Capitalization. Fragments. Sentences have been written passively. I have even succumbed to the strange thrill of writing increasingly complex and hard-to-understand run-on sentences because I love the strange but unmistakable air of someone who’s really trying to hard to say something all in one breath so that it seems like the sentence itself is generating its own sense of manic energy and continues on long after it shouldn’t and would make Ernest Hemingway roll over in his grave if he could manage it. So I bow before thee, gods of the grammatically correct, and beg your forgiveness. I have done well with the basic essentials of grammar, I swear, like correct punctuation and sentence structure and things like that, and my spelling tends to be good, so there’s still hope, isn’t there? I present myself to you humbly and beg and plead for leniency and I promise that I’ll never –
You know what? Fuck that. Read the rest of this entry →
My Speech to Aspiring Writers Everywhere
Posted by Alan Edwards
There’s never been a better time to be a writer. Seriously.
Imagine being back in the Middle Ages. If you had a story you wanted to write down and share to the world, you’d have to join a monastery, learn how to read and write, spend the next 30 years of your life transcribing the Bible, sneak small bits of paper into your monastic cell so that you could scratch your tale furtively by the light of the one candle you’re allotted per month. You might finish it before you’ve gone blind, only to discover that no one could read it except your fellow monks, at which point you get burned at the stake for heresy or witchcraft or Overwarm Genitals or whatever else was a burnin’ offense back then. Oh, and if you’re female, then I am fairly certain expressing the desire to learn to write to begin with was grounds for getting burnt as a witch right off the bat. Not a good time to be a writer. Read the rest of this entry →
Winter in Derenemyn 