A Friday Rant: Angsty Vampires

First off, sorry it’s been so long since I rapped at ya (thanks, Jim Anchower) but, well, shit happens. This week, it happened for me a lot. Back to the show. Oh, and serious profanity ahead.

It’s ubiquitous now. It’s as ingrained in our culture as breathlessly reporting on the antics of a bunch of skanks and meatheads. It’s everywhere we go, everywhere we turn.

Angsty fucking vampires.

Oh yes, I’m making light of it. My human mind cannot imagine the trials and tribulations of the aged vampire, whose last tenuous ties to humanity seem to fray ever further with every passing century, and how that forces him into contemplation of all that has withered and died around him while he must endure, lithe and handsome as ever. The ennui that sets in, the yearning to connect with a human heart and yet cannot, for he is forever separated from those beautiful yet flawed creatures. He attempts over and again, skipping around the country to pose as a high school student so that he can find that innocence that he himself has lost and can never regain but like a moth to flame he must fly ever closer, knowing he shall burn but oh, the beauty and lure are too intoxicating and he must strive to satisfy the yearning in the soul that he has lost. Or, perhaps he alights to Europe, preferably France, where he can clothe himself in the latest fashions and slip through the night, the nattily-dressed loner, brooding as he looks on some relic of the past, seeing it as a reflection of himself, a lost piece of history thrust into a world so alien to their youth, yet forced to remain, unchanged and overlooked by the seething masses of people too wrapped up in their short but wonderful lives to notice them.

Fuck you, Anne Rice. I blame you for all this shit.

Yeah, it must be really fucking tough to be a vampire. All the immortality and super strength and speed, the dashing good looks, the need to never work a shitty shift at a fucking Burger King to help pay for the goddamn mortgage and the three snot-nosed brats back at the house. It must be un-fucking-bearable to outlive every douchebag and tool that ever lived. Healing every wound but the ones that strike your precious heart must be terrible, so much worse than the paraplegic who will be stuck in a chair for the rest of his life. Oh, for all of these gifts, you’ll never again see the sunrise.

You know what, I fucking hate seeing the sun rise. Either I’m up way too fucking early to do something I don’t want to do and accommodate someone else’s schedule, or I’ve been partying all night long and the sun is like the asshole bouncer coming up and telling everyone to get out, party’s over. So suck it up, you fucking pansy.

But oh, they must feed on humans, taking their blood in a ritual that is basically a nine-fucking-minute orgasm, apparently. Yeah, that must be pretty fucking rough. I go through that every time I eat a microwave burrito, myself. So fuck you.

I know I personally often go to jungles and watch the apes, sadly forlorn that no longer do I have to eat live ants and throw my shit at other things that are looking to fucking eat me. I really fucking miss connecting with my Inner Ape, and I too fret that I no longer have that innate Apeness that makes them so innocent and yet too distant for me to ever reconnect with.

What the fuck do vampires want to reconnect with their lost humanity for anyway? I sure as shit don’t try to connect with my cheeseburger. I don’t fucking get it. I could totally see some vamps playing the Angst Card, you know, trying to pick up that hot gender of choice at the bar by being all brooding and sensitive while simultaneously knocking some dude 30 feet across the room with a backhanded swipe. I imagine that gets them a lot of action. I’d respect them if it was a fucking act.

What happened to the vampires of yore? The amoral badass motherfuckers looking out some castle window making some creepy remark about the children of the night just to make someone piss their pants? That’s how a vampire should act. Top of the Food Chain, baby, Top of the Fucking World. You can go ahead and Masquerade my ballsack. Like Tracy Lords and Stephen Dorff in Blade. They had it right. That’s how a vampire should act.

So fuck you, angsty vampires. Go fuck yourselves in the ear. While you’re shedding your blood tears and putting on your fucking inch-thick eyeliner, look in the mirror (presuming you can see yourself. If not, that would explain the shitty eye makeup) and tell yourself this: quit acting like a fucking moony 15-year-old little bitch and act like you enjoy yourself. You’re fucking immortal. Live like it.


About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on June 17, 2011, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Alan. You are a God.

    Vampires as depicted in modern literature are teh fucking lame. The “Blade” films, while saddled with some problems of their own, are some of the only modern vampire movies that make what should be some incredibly frightening creatures (I mean THINK of all the shit they can do, all the power, all of that raw and unbridled primal animalistic hunger!) actually SCARY and intimidating! (John Steakley’s “Vampires” does a nice job, too…too bad the movie version blew).

    Vampires should be scary, no a metaphor for angst-ridden horny thirty-somethings who are having mid-life crises and want to spend eternity intimidating people with Gothic makeup and who are essentially walking pedophiles. That’s not scary: that’s just sad.

    Don’t get me wrong, there is some good Paranormal Romance out there. And there’s some shit…..ok, there’s a LOT of shit, enough that it’s largely turned me off to the genre.

    Wow, now you got me ranting, and that’s not easy to do. Well done! =D

    • Hahahahahaa sweeeeet. FEEEL the Hate within you, my son. That was a fun mini-rant.

      I remember reading something you said about Blood Skies, and wanting to bring that terrifying aspect of the vampire back to the forefront. I think it acted like a grain of sand in my brain, only instead of a pearl I formed a lump of coal or something.

      I also think there is good paranormal romance out there. There is also a lot of not-so-good. Unfortunately, the Undead Mary Sues of the world stalk the bookshelves in numbers too great to be defeated.

  2. You made me choke on my coffee. Also, I read this twice. It’s just THAT GOOD.

    I ❤ you, man. /forehead L!

  3. Thirty Days of Night, now those were fucking great whites with legs. The only scary vamps exist in Call of Cthulhu.

  4. Peter Fitzpatrick

    I think we’re at the point where you can forgo any warnings regarding profanity forthcoming in your blog, I think we’ve come to expect it at this point. 🙂

    • I just want to warn someone’s grandmother that wandered here by mistake. But you’re probably right.

  5. …says the guy dressed up as Lestat in his profile pic … 🙂

  6. I have a fondness for cuss words, but I’m a classy dame like that. 😉

    I’ve been searching for some vampire tales that curdle the blood and force me to never leave home without my garlic necklace but sadly they are hard to find these days. I’m the child that used to sneak out of bed when i was 6 years old to watch monster movies after my parents were asleep. Where are all the vampires that terrorized entire villages? Where are the vampires that liked to play with their food, dragging out the psychological torture as long as the heart was beating? Where are the evil vampires I hastily discarded my virginity as a precautionary measure to avoid?

    Granted, I’ve still got a soft spot for reading about them, but can someone please invent the vampire equivalent of Prozac?

    Closest story I’ve found recently that contained some vampires that were violent and completely morally ‘other than human’ has been from feedbooks. http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/20586/bad-blood
    When the first couple of pages made me gasp in shock at the depravity, I knew it contained some vampires I could respect and fear.

    About Anne…..ugh. I think I have more of an issue with the “I wrote this way for years and years and oh i found god so now i’m sorry for it all” than I do with the bastardization of traditional vampire lore. That’s the crappiest thing I can think of, feeling the need to apologize for the life you’ve lived and the things you’ve created.

    • I had NO IDEA that she went all repentant about what she wrote. For fuck’s sake. That’s pathetic.

      And honestly, I enjoyed some of Rice’s stuff, when it didn’t deal with angsty bullshit. Lestat was fun, the way I’d want to be without the maudlin whining.

  7. Genius, I mahy have just fallen in love with you! I’m an Indie writer who works as an accountant on the side too!

  8. LOVE IT! Spot on. It’s one reason why I don’t read vampire books. And I’d do it this way – pick human victims that were the scum of the earth to feed on. It would be great to run around at night and not worry about personal safety. 😀

    • It’s tough – I love vampires as a mythological being, but fear what I’m going to get every time I pick up a book about them.

  9. I believe there’s a direct correlation between the brilliance of your posts and the number of swear words you use, my friend. Hahahaha! Loved this one.

    IMO, the whole angst thing was cool when Anne Rice did it, but it wears thin all these years later. I guess people like to humanize the inhuman – make monsters more relatable or some shit. But I agree – if you’re gonna be bad, then be bad and leave it at that. 🙂

    • I agree with you – back in the proverbial Day, it was cool and different (for a little while. She lost me on the Bone Thief or Body Thief or whatever the fuck that was supposed to be).

      And I think you’re right. The more profanity I put in, the more popular the post. Coming tomorrow: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, FUCK FUCK, FUCKING FUCKITTY FUCK FUCK FUCK. Bam. 10,000 views.

  10. Wow, glad I stumbled upon this article. Have to agree with it too. I am getting sick of the whiny vampires moaning about lost humanity. Now I love vampires but, seriously, sink those fangs into some flesh!!!! Gives me shivers when a vampire bites an unsuspecting human. Been working on my own little twist on the vampire myth and there’s very little whining about lost humanity and a fair bit of killing. Not horror, mind you, but I tried to stay far away from the emo vampire that sparkles.

    • I approve of this. Maybe if we all work together we can drown out the mass of wailing and whining emo vamps and give them back their teeth.

  11. Oh, I think Anne actually had a second reversal, didn’t she start back on the vamps again?

    • Now this is starting to sound like a soap opera. Or a desperate plea for attention. Or an attempt to cash in once more of the Vamp Craze.

  12. Great blog. This was really helpful stuff. I wish you luck as you continue to follow that passion

  1. Pingback: Guest post by Alan Edwards: Why Do We Love the Undead, Anyway? :blood skies

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