Category Archives: Self Reflection
Why Am I Doing This to Myself?
I think most people ask themselves that while they are exercising at some point. For me, it’s usually when it’s 4:30 am and I am tying my shoes, getting ready to do an hour or so of cardio before work, or when I realize that I need to do 53 consecutive pushups to finish my pushup workout. Those moments are the hardest, when it is so easy to just walk away, or lie back down, and say: Tomorrow. I can do it tomorrow. Read the rest of this entry
Do It Today
Everyone wants to improve themselves. There is something about everyone that they’d like to change, whether it’s their health, their career, their outlook, something. Change, real change, is very difficult to do, however. It’s easier to rationalize or procrastinate than it is to follow through and try for various reasons. One is complacency, that pernicious voice that whispers that hey, things aren’t all that bad, so just sit down over here with a box of HoHos and we’ll get ’em next time, champ. Another is fear, like I talked about yesterday. The fear of failure is brutal, since the person you are failing is the same person you look at every day in the mirror. The self-loathing that accompanies it is crushing, which makes it harder to contemplate making the changes you want to make for yourself. Fear is the enemy, always. There is only one real solution to making changes: Do it. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month. Today.
The Supernatural
I’ve always wanted to believe in the supernatural. As a kid, I loved ghost stories and other supernatural horror stuff (well, I guess I still do, with, you know, writing a zombie novel and all), and I always hoped to discover a ghost or see something like that. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, but stopped going at 7, but even then I’m not sure how much BELIEF there was in me. I went to Kingdom Hall, but I’m not sure I ever really bought into the actual existence of a god. Maybe it’s just my futuristic atheist self projecting back on the past, but I really don’t remember thinking of it any different than any other stories.
Ennui
–noun: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom: The endless lecture produced an unbearable ennui.
It doesn’t mean what I exactly thought it meant; I was right about the weariness and discontent, but not that it results from boredom. I was musing on it the other night when I was thinking about a general down feeling I’ve been having lately. A discussion with my wife yesterday over lunch I think helped enlighten me a bit. After finishing my story, my life then lacked a purpose. Purpose is something I’ve struggled with before, and it makes sense that after finishing a big project that dominated my time, that I would suddenly feel untethered and unsure of what to do.
One Thing for Friday, September 25th
It was 10 years ago today that my mother died. I always remember the date because it was exactly 3 months before her favorite day of the year. I don’t always mark today as it goes by – most often I remember a few days later – but this year it kind’ve stuck in my head. I guess the round-numberness of the year is what did it. I honestly can’t believe it was 10 years ago. On the one hand it feels so fresh that it couldn’t possibly be that long, while with the other it seems like forever since the day that I blew her a kiss and waved as I walked out of her hospice room, sure that I would be seeing and talking to her in the morning. I did see her the next day, and talk to her, but by then it was too late – she was beyond hearing or talking. That was one of the hardest days of my life, watching and waiting for hours for the now-bloated and nearly unrecognizable form of my mother to finally succumb to her battle with cancer. My wife and brothers were there, and my wife was able to be my rock and actually gave me the ability to help support my brothers. One brother, the eldest, didn’t get in town in time to see her while she was lucid, and that really racked him. The other brother had been in a fight with my mother the last time they talked, something stupid over money, and would never get the chance to exchange another word with her again. That messed him up so much that it pushed him into becoming a born-again Christian. I remember walking out of her hospice room with my brothers and going to the sitting area they had. They had shelves with books and VHS tapes there, and I looked at the Braveheart case. I’d had a conversation with her not long before about how she’d never seen the end of it – she always fell asleep. I smiled as I looked at it and told my brothers about the conversation, and I said that I was glad she never saw the ending – it would have made her sad. For her, William Wallace was forever alive and uncaptured. I’ll never forget that day at Hope Hospice, where I had to say goodbye to my mother. Ten years ago.
Birthdays and Contemplating Mortality
I just recently had a birthday – /groan – which is normally not a big deal for me. The day has never been particularly important. I think growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness had something to do with that, since we didn’t celebrate anything at all – except of course the Glory of the Lord, which decidedly does not include parties with punch and pie. It was a little strange, though, having a birthday on the Monday after the passing of so many famous people.
Frustration
No one is perfect. I know I am not perfect, but a lot of my life has been involved in achieving at least the appearance of perfection. Most of this is subconscious. But beyond just the appearance, I really and truly hold myself to a high and impossible standard. When I fail to meet that standard, I give way to self-loathing and depression. This is something I am working to change, along with other aspects of my behavior that aren’t healthy. However, it isn’t always successful, and this leads to my frustration.
This weekend, I found myself engaging in behavior that I am trying to avoid. I don’t need to be afraid, I don’t need to be productive in order to avoid or deflect anyone’s anger, no one is expecting this behavior from me but me. The frustrating part (well, one of many) is that I know when I am doing it, and am even telling myself not to do it while I am doing it. I know it isn’t easy to change, and that I don’t need to beat myself up over it (which just leads to the self-loathing behavior), but it certainly is frustrating. I am just glad that I can now recognize it, which gives me a chance to do something about it.
Winter in Derenemyn 