No one is perfect. I know I am not perfect, but a lot of my life has been involved in achieving at least the appearance of perfection. Most of this is subconscious. But beyond just the appearance, I really and truly hold myself to a high and impossible standard. When I fail to meet that standard, I give way to self-loathing and depression. This is something I am working to change, along with other aspects of my behavior that aren’t healthy. However, it isn’t always successful, and this leads to my frustration.
This weekend, I found myself engaging in behavior that I am trying to avoid. I don’t need to be afraid, I don’t need to be productive in order to avoid or deflect anyone’s anger, no one is expecting this behavior from me but me. The frustrating part (well, one of many) is that I know when I am doing it, and am even telling myself not to do it while I am doing it. I know it isn’t easy to change, and that I don’t need to beat myself up over it (which just leads to the self-loathing behavior), but it certainly is frustrating. I am just glad that I can now recognize it, which gives me a chance to do something about it.