–noun: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom: The endless lecture produced an unbearable ennui.

It doesn’t mean what I exactly thought it meant; I was right about the weariness and discontent, but not that it results from boredom.  I was musing on it the other night when I was thinking about a general down feeling I’ve been having lately.  A discussion with my wife yesterday over lunch I think helped enlighten me a bit.  After finishing my story, my life then lacked a purpose.  Purpose is something I’ve struggled with before, and it makes sense that after finishing a big project that dominated my time, that I would suddenly feel untethered and unsure of what to do.

I need a new purpose, and I think I am going to make it around editing my book, like my wonderful wife suggested.  I want to be a writer, honestly, but I never will be unless I edit and publish a good story.  I feel like my job is a bit of a dead-end and a placeholder, but I’ll never move on unless I try.  I’ve felt better since that conversation, since I feel like I am getting my energy back.  Oddly enough, seeing a freaking Lady Gaga interview and learning about her and the approach she’s taken to life has made me realize that you can control your destiny, at least to a degree, and I’ll never do what I want – write for a living – without trying.  I’ll write, and I’ll keep throwing it out there, and it just might stick, and one day I might earn enough of a living from typing words.  Will I be satisfied with that?  I don’t know but I am excited to try.  I know I have the support system in place from my amazing spouse.  Now its just a matter of trying.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on December 8, 2009, in Self Reflection and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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