The Republican and Democratic Parties Are Destroying Our Republic and Democracy

I said before here that I detest the fact that we’ve allowed a two-party system to arise and get a chokehold on power in United States government. Of course, I leave the possibility open that I have no idea what I’m talking about. I am, after all, not an expert in political systems, or the intricacies of government, or history, or really any subject at all. I may be an expert in churning out stream-of-consciousness rambling word vomit, but even that’s debatable. I know enough about a lot of things to know I don’t know enough. But I do know enough to have opinions on them, and I am an expert on knowing my blog’s username and password, so I’ll continue putting out these things here.

To be honest, I’m writing this because it’s been a very emotional and shitty couple of weeks. And writing about the potential dissolution of our Republic is actually a way for me to escape my troubles. A few friends of mine encouraged me to write, so I am. My original plan was going to be a Fears and Hope in Donald America post, where I could talk about what I’m afraid of and hopeful for in the next few years. I may do that at some point. Instead, I’m going with a lashing-out of anger because I feel helpless and scared and sometimes yelling at clouds is the only thing I can do because the things I’m actually angry and scared of can’t be targeted or confronted. They just Are.

Anyway, whatever, here we go.

I’ll be honest. I believe our nation is in trouble. Real, legit, existential trouble. People will scoff when they read that, because it’s something people say when their preferred candidate loses an important election. I’m sure it’s been said with every presidential election. This, I believe, is the first time it’s really true. Well, in a way, it’s always been true, because everything wasn’t going just fine when our country somehow elected this shitbag Swamp Thing in Chief. In fact, I think we are in an era where our Republic is going through some seismic changes. There are now naked power grabs going on, when before the power grabs were wrapped in a veneer of civility.

Here’s the thing about civilization, though: it’s a thin veneer of generally accepted behavior. When people decide to ignore those unwritten rules, that civility – and civilization – is gone. The “norms” have no power when they are ignored, because that becomes the new norm. So all those people insisting they won’t let the assfuck who was elected become normal – guess what? It’s too fucking late. This IS the new normal. Those shitstains being named to the Cabinet? Those fucksticks are the new normal. This is our country now, and it is fucked.

This is where I start blaming people. (And as a quick aside, when I refer to the parties, I’m talking about the people who run them, the powerful people in them. I’m not talking about voters, who are all fucked in trying to pick one side over the other.)

First off, the Republican Party. They’re first because they’re the worst. The mouthpieces of this fucked-up party have been humping the Constitution and the American flag lapel pins and lie-soaked patriotism for decades. It’s all a fucking front, of course, and they no longer give a fuck who knows it. Mitch McConnell, the biggest bloated cocknugget on the planet Earth, led a Congress determined to oppose everything for eight years, rendering our government basically useless, and culminating in refusing to uphold their Constitutional fucking duty in approving a Supreme Court nominee. And the fucking Democratic Party let this snakefucker do it. But I’ll get to those assholes later.

The Republican Party has been using gerrymandering and illegal voter suppression and, right now in North Carolina, complete and utter bullshit to get and keep a stranglehold on power. Why? Because they’re fucking dying, and they know it. This country is more progressive than it’s ever been, so these walking scrotums are seizing every opportunity to take the power away from the actual voting citizens. Their backbone is old as fuck, so these power-hungry dickmouths who used to jerk off to the Constitution in public are now wiping their asses with it.

This Party is so morally corrupt that while they decried how terrible Donald Gape-Anus is during the primaries, once he won they all lined up to suck on his orange hairy toes (you thought I was going to use another word there, didn’t you?) and voted for him and are in the process of sucking up to him so hard they’re adding to the removal of the ozone layer. This fucking Party is now the ones taking bold stances against things like Science and Logic and Truth. I expect they’re going to start filibustering the Universe against the unfairness of gravity. The Republican Party has decided that ignorance and bullshit and tantrums are the only way to go, and they got the fucking divine avatar of those things elected to lead this fucking country. Fuck the Republican Party. Money and power is what they worship, and don’t let anyone try to tell you different.

Secondly, the Democratic Party. They’re just as bad as the Republican Party, only in different, more pathetic ways. They’re as full of cronies and useless turdburglars and money-and-power worship. They didn’t have a primary, they held a fucking coronation. It was Hillary’s turn. Like fucking turns are a fucking thing. Let’s be real: Hillary Clinton was an awful choice as candidate. She has a great resume, she’s smart, she’s a hard worker, all of that. The problem is, she’s a fucking bureaucrat. That’s not who people vote for when it comes to President. She is not a great public speaker. Her story is an inspiration, but she herself isn’t particularly inspiring. Look at the people who were on stage during the conventions and campaign. She was overshadowed by all of them. Barack, sure, that makes sense. The dude is an orator for the fucking ages, so it’s no biggie that Clinton couldn’t outshine the sitting President. Problem is, pretty much every fucking person who spoke was more impressive than the actual fucking candidate. Elizabeth Warren. Joe Biden. Bernie Sanders. Michelle Obama. ESPECIALLY Michelle Obama. If anyone watched any of her speeches and didn’t secretly wish she was running instead of Hillary then you’re either a liar or Tim Kaine.

Speaking of Tim Kaine. Jesus fucking Christ. What a fucking ridiculous VP pick. How fucking uninspiring and safe this pick was. It’s the perfect illustration of the entire campaign. Play it safe, don’t make waves, focus group the fuck out of everything. The Democrats lost the election for a lot of reasons: Russia, the FBI, voter suppression, media dipshittery. But there is no bigger fucking reason than their own inability to take two steps without stepping on their own dicks. Hillary Clinton is the master of the unforced error. She didn’t need to pick Tim Kaine. Or set up a private email server. Or make a shitload of money delivering speeches to Wall Street executives. Or accepting inside information on upcoming debate questions. But she and her campaign did all of these things. She was the least popular candidate to ever be a nominee in history, besides Donnie Twatnozzle, and that was BEFORE THE FUCKING CAMPAIGN. Jesus fucking Christ, Democratic Party, maybe don’t hand the fucking nomination to someone people don’t like and that a Republican would never under any circumstance vote for, including against the BIGGEST THREAT TO DEMOCRACY ever.

And here’s the thing: you can’t logic away people’s emotional reactions. More people had an unfavorable opinion of Hillary Clinton going in than a positive one. Was this caused by decades of witch hunting and baseless accusation? It sure as fuck didn’t help. But saying that doesn’t make people suddenly start liking the person in question. It has no fucking bearing whatsoever. Was this unfair to Hillary? It sure was. But life isn’t fucking fair, and people also dislike her for the reasons I enumerated before: she makes unforced errors all the fucking time. The whole Basket of Deplorables thing? That wasn’t caused by a vast right-wing conspiracy. Guess what, if you insult a subset of Trump voters, as she did, every potential Trump voter is going to ASSUME YOU’RE INSULTING THEM. If you actually think you’re going to win an election on that strategy, you deserve to lose to a dim, bloated caricature of a cartoonish villain from a shitty ‘80’s action movie.

And who the fuck is going to lead the party now? Hillary had to fight for the nomination against three stuffed suits who immediately dropped out and someone who wasn’t even a member of the Democratic Party and had to FIGHT TO WIN IT. The Republicans managed to find 17 people to vie for the nomination. Most of them were complete crotchsniffers looking to make a payday, but they had young people like Marco Rubio trying to fight their way through. Who does the Democratic Party have? I see people talking about Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders in 2020. No. They are awesome. They are old as fuck. The whole fucking national leadership is. Nancy Pelosi is OLD AS FUCK. They’ve had their time. They can do good things still, sure, but they shouldn’t be the fucking face of the fucking party. Barack Obama came out and destroyed Hillary eight years ago because he wasn’t old as fuck. The fucking idiot DNC made sure THAT wouldn’t happen again and planned on having Hillary debate against cardboard cutouts until Sanders joined. Then they put the thumb on the scale to make sure she won. What a fucking useless party filled with crony suck-ass bullshit artists. That’s the main place Republicans and Democrats hold common ground.

Here are some things I don’t want to hear anymore regarding this election:

Bernie Supporters. Look, I liked him too. Let it the fuck go. He lost to Hillary. He isn’t going to be President. Stop making your fucking arguments about how he would have won. Those arguments are beyond stupid. They are completely and totally pointless. Bernie Sanders lost the primary. You might as well argue that Gary Hart would have beaten George Bush I back in the day. No one cares. Your little cry-face emojis next to his picture – fucking stop. Trashing Hillary supporters – just fucking stop it. That ship has fucking passed. Do something else. Literally anything fucking else. It will do more than pining over the past. I get the mourning phase, I really do. Suck it up, sack up, and quit posting your shit on Facebook. Act like a grownup and drown your misery in silence and bourbon like the fucking rest of us.

Blaming Bernie Supporters. Holy shit, people. The whole Bernie Bros thing was made up from the beginning. Quit blaming the Hillary loss on supporters of a different candidate. What, he challenged her on positions? He questioned her decision making? It was a FUCKING ELECTION, people. Not a crowning. And your person fucking won! Oh, did Bernie Sanders not do enough to get his supporters on board? What the fuck was he supposed to do beyond ENDORSE AND CAMPAIGN for her? Go in disguise as those people and vote on their behalf? No Bernie supporter can claim he would have beaten Don Mouthbreather, but no one can deny that Hillary fucking Clinton lost to him. She did more than enough to subvert her own chances. Quit acting like someone forcing her to defend herself in the primaries hurt her. There was plenty of fucking doubt in voter’s minds about her before then.

Republican Smugness. Congratulations. You’re undermining the Constitution and the rule of law, which once upon a time used to pretend was important to you. The right wing of your own party calls you cucks. Think about that for a little bit. You are the Dallas Cowboy fans of politics. No insult I can generate is more powerful than that.

Alt-Right Corpsefuckers. People taking on Nazi imagery, symbols, slogans, and salutes are as fucking UnAmerican as it gets. I hope you all get a tire iron to the teeth. And the people at places like Breithbart or Alex Jones and all the other Goebbels-wannabes can go fuck themselves. You’re the most unpatriotic sack of shit cowards I’ve ever come across.

Liberal-on-Liberal Crime. Fucking-A, Democrats, quit fighting each other harder than everyone else. If someone isn’t trumpeting your pet issue at all times, it doesn’t mean they’re against you. Your dedication to making progressiveness a dick-measuring contest is helping you lose every fucking election. Pointing out another liberal’s cultural bias, privilege, cultural appropriation (don’t even fucking get me started on this fucking subject), feminism, or dedication hurts you more than them, because every potential ally you alienate hurts you. Conservatives win elections because they band together and actually fucking vote as a bloc. Liberals get into fights with each other over petty bullshit all the fucking time, if someone else doesn’t conform to their exact standards of thought. Fucking find your common ground, help each other, and stick the fuck together, and maybe we won’t end up with another election as fucked as this one.

OK, I’m done.

I don’t feel better, but at least it took my mind off of shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go watch videos of floating otters for the next four years.


This is where I live now.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on December 22, 2016, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. The one thing I say about a Trump election is that if money or influence had EVERYTHING to do with it, and if the GOP establishment had rigged the primary then we would have had Clinton v Bush 3.0 with Jeb Bush probably in the role. (Bush had the money, and I don’t think Cruz would win in a Bush v Cruz scenario) Trump, and to a lesser extent Bernie, showed that the will of the voters could still influence things. Yeah the DNC and RNC can definitely sway things, and misinformation/fear/what have you definitely is there as well. There were some definite upsides to this election cycle, but agreed on most of your points here.

    • I agree with the Bush v Clinton scenario. The RNC managed to strip away their own influence by cynically stoking nativism and dog-whistling, then were left flat-footed by a candidate who didn’t need their money and who even more brazenly and cynically made those things his platform. But, there’s still money and power out there to be gobbled up, so they’ll chase after it like me on cake.

  2. I disagree with a bunch of stuff in here, but not all of it and I love your rants.

    • Unlike our new overlords, I welcome dissent! Discussing our opinions and ideas is how we get better opinions and ideas.

  3. My wife found your blog and got me to read them. This post is quite enjoyable, as always.

    I especially like your rant on liberal-on-liberal crime. Liberals are the absolute worst at politics, we always let perfect become the enemy of good. True story: you cannot win elections with that mindset. It is as true here as in every single other democracy. But we somehow manage to not learn that lesson decade after decade. Its incredibly frustrating.

    The best strategy going forward, I think, is to amplify the unpopular aspects of Trump and never let him catch a break. The more unpopular he becomes, the more incentive for the more moderate Republicans in the Senate to defect and vote against the Trump agenda. But reading things like this fills me with despair:

    Its going to be a bumpy ride.

    • I couldn’t agree more. I also think our only chance resides with moderate Republicans in blue states that break away from the herd and reject, say, an EPA head who is in the literal pay of oil companies. Your stated strategy is the only hope we have to get out of this.

  4. Reading this was incredibly satisfying, and I’m not sure I could agree more.

    I don’t even know why this makes me laugh… The hyperbolic vulgarity and the fact that it isn’t really hyperbolic at all b/c everything is absolute BS, or that this is a perfect reflection of how I feel. Probably both.

    • I’m putting my money on vulgarity!

      Seriously though, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Making up increasingly bizarre insults is very therapeutic.

  1. Pingback: Welcome to 2017 | Me and My Shovel

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