My Concerns About the Present State of Female Sexuality
I think this is important, because it ties into many of the things I feel and think, as well as tying into the things I touched on in my feminism post. There is a part 2 coming that I plan to elaborate on in a post of my own, from my own perspective.
Disclaimer: if you don’t want to hear about my sex life, skip the first big paragraph. It’s just for context.
Ok, here we go.
I am a sexually-active 25 year-old woman. Over the last 10 years, I have had sex in relationships, outside of relationships, with men, with women, with people that meant the world to me, and people that I downright didn’t like or didn’t care about at all. I’ve had boring vanilla sex and transcendently awesome vanilla sex. I’ve had kinky sex that didn’t do a damn thing for me and kinky sex that has completely changed my views on life. I’m friends with virgins, porn stars, submissives, dominants, and people who blush at the mention of 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve examined sex from romantic, psychological, physical, and social viewpoints. I’m not quite a sexpert, but I do consider myself somewhat of a sex nerd. I’m just pretty into sex as a thing…
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Posted on December 9, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.
Winter in Derenemyn 
This is a really interesting perspective on female sexuality, and a great read. I don’t really know what to think about it though. I agree, and I disagree.
It is disappointing that women are looked down upon for being sexually promiscuous, and that does play into the “yes and no” aspect of it as described (though ‘no’ does mean ‘no’ as she more eloquently put, so not going to rehash any of that) and also can incorporate a bit of shame in the act, even in monogamous relationships – which I assume plays at least a small part in the whole popular ‘rape fantasy’ idea (“If I’m not supposed to have sex, we’ll just pretend that he’s making me do it”). But I do have to admit that I am guilty myself of having initial reactions of losing respect for people I find have a lot of casual sex, and I feel I can’t help that since that is the world I grew up in, how I was raised, and is now ingrained. And I have to consciously remind myself that that sh*t doesn’t matter.
But on the other hand, I do like the idea that something like sex should be treated with respect, and be done primarily in situations that are meaningful to the participants. I don’t mean to imply that ‘sex’ should be synonymous with ‘love’ (or Heaven forbid, marital status), but it helps – especially if in an exclusive relationship. If sex becomes more of a recreational act, like going to park to kick a ball around (no pun intended), or becomes overused and given any time it’s wanted and with anyone nearby willing to share, it’ll lose its power. If someone says he had a great cup of coffee, and saw a great movie, and chewed great-tasting bubblegum, then calls you a great person, does it really mean as much to you as someone who’s not as complimentary saying the same thing? Or maybe that’s just my ‘indoctrination’ talking?
I don’t know… I’m kind of torn somewhere in the middle. If I had to explain this kind of stuff to a child, I don’t know which way I’d swing, I could go either way (joking, I’m heterosexual 😉 ) But anyway, I’d probably just explain all sides and try not to influence the kid one way or the other with my own opinion about it, which would be easy to do seeing as how I apparently don’t have one anyway.
I definitely see where you’re coming from on this. Promiscuity for females almost naturally comes with a feeling of disapproval, and I think it’s a factor of how most people are raised. I’m sure religion plays a strong aspect in our society, since it is very much treated as one of the worst things for people to do (but men tend to get forgiven for fornication in a way that no woman does), but even among those who were raised with religion as a lesser or even absent influence seem to have a similar disapproving view. I think it comes down to media exposure and the judgments made about “loose women” (as if they’ve escaped a pen and need to be herded back into line) in nearly every TV show and movie we’re exposed to. I’m trying to think of sex-positive women in media who are portrayed in a non-negative light, and for the life of me only Rue McClanahan’s character in The Golden Girls comes to mind. Sex-positive men on the other hand – James Bond, as one example – are not only tolerated, but are often lauded for their “masculinity”.
You make a great point about sex being treated with respect (just like should happen to those who participate in it). I think there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults who just want the pleasure of the act, but I also think that the very best sex involves emotion between the participants, because caring about your partner leads to an intimacy and greater pleasure that more casual sex cannot match. Loving someone doesn’t always mean great sex, of course and unfortunately, but in my opinion the chances for great sex are much higher. The author of both of these posts has talked about doing another about this very topic, and I’m hoping that she does.
Thanks as always for your input!
I thought about it some more, and I guess the question I had it mind is: when it comes to sex, should guys be judged more like women, or women be judged more like men, in today’s standards.
If I had to choose, I’d agree with ‘Whimsy and Warpaint’ on this, and have women be treated like men… if any kind of legally consensual sex (friends with benefits, one-night stands, premarital sex) is looked down upon, there will always be that doubt in someone’s mind wondering if they’re doing the “right” thing, and we’ll still have the same issues with people not letting go of their insecurities enough to actually enjoy the act, which defeats the purpose. I mean, unless there’s some deadly contagious disease that’s spreading rapidly primarily due to people coming into contact with others – not necessarily sexually transmitted – how does one adult stranger having consensual sex with another adult stranger really impact your life? Relating this to the anti-gay rights movement, it doesn’t affect you or your decisions, so get over it. Equal rights for all! lol
Obviously growing up in the same home, I understand exactly what you’re saying. lol But it really does make me think how I would feel if our culture changed to where nudity and promiscuity wasn’t so taboo. Like, I know in Europe, nude beaches aren’t brought up as a jokes like they are here; they’re generally accepted as a normal, natural things. Where me, a prudish American, would show up and be like, “OH GOD! A PENIS! VAGINA! TITS! A$$CRACK!! TESTICALS! I CAN’T LOOK! MY EYES! MY EYES!! AHHHH!!” And then *I’M the weird one…
It also makes me wonder… would it really tear the moral fabric of our society if sex became just another ‘casual’ thing people did on the weekends? Forget LAN parties, it’s orgy night! I can just see that conversation going down in the wee hours of the morning…:
“Okay, sweetie, I’m off to work.”
“Alright, dinner will be on the table as soon as you get home.”
“OH! I almost forgot! Jim and I are meeting at Rebecca’s place after work. She’s going to invite some of her friends over and we’re all going to screw each other silly.”
“Alright, honey, have fun. Just remember little Sally’s got her dance recital tonight and she expects you to be there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Love you!”
“Love you, too!”
I know there are married couples who have ‘open relationships,’ and for those who do, I say… well, if it works for you, then more power to you… but I just can’t participate. I’ve always felt the same of the “friends with benefits” thing. I always felt like sex is too much an intimate thing for it to be mutually meaningless for all parties involved. So every time a friend comes up to me and says something like, “Me and X have sex once in a while, but I’m starting to worry now that he/she is developing feelings for me.” My initial reaction is always, “F*CKING DUH! The consequences should be obvious!”
I can’t imagine a world where you can meet a stranger at a park bench and go, “Hey, wanna f*ck?” and have them agree without even a hint of awkwardness… as if you just invited them to a game of chess. Then again, that’s why I’ve always called BS on the show Californication, because sex is practically portrayed that way on the show, and I just can’t see an alternate universe where sex would be treated so casually.
So can our culture suddenly shift to where having sex with a friend is as common as grabbing a beer with a friend?
If the candidness of the internet, pornography, and sexting is any indication, sure. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the norm in some places of the world.
Is it realistic to think it could happen?
Maybe? I personally would say no, but I have literally nothing to go on but my own personal experiences and biases.
Would I approve?
Nah, not really. At least not in terms of adopting it for my own lifestyle. Obviously, my partner (sexual partner) would have to agree to live within the bounds of my personal moral standards if we expect to have a healthy relationship. But that’s ANY relationship, right? No big deal.
Could I accept it?
Absolutely. I mean, obviously with my upbringing, I would have to consciously stop myself from making snap judgments and preventing it from affecting what I think of people (unless someone specifically asked for my brutal honesty and/or advice, of course), but it’s totally possible.
As a disclaimer, I have nothing but respect for the author of the blog. Her sex life genuinely has no bearing in what I think of her or her opinions.
I think the issue is more about the double standard that exists with regards to casual sex and how different the attitudes we have as a society when men engage in it versus women. Men are encouraged in a multitude of ways to behave that way, and suffer no real social stigma when engaging in it – rather, men are expected to behave that way in many cases. Women, however, are judged negatively nearly across the board for engaging in that behavior, leading to the problems the author discusses. I don’t think anyone is arguing that orgies and open relationships should be an expected norm for everyone, but people should be allowed to engage in safe and healthy (mentally and physically) casual sex with other consenting adults if they choose without society judging one sex differently from the other when they engage in a very common practice. At the same time, those who don’t want casual sex – personally, it’s not my thing – should be free to live that life without social judgment as well ( being a male who believes as I do can actually cause issues with “masculine” peer groups). Sex is a healthy and wonderful thing, and casual sex is part of our society- women should not be judged negatively for engaging in it when men are lauded for it.
Thanks as always for your perspective!
Ha! Ya, sorry. I flew off on a tangent there. My line of thought went something like this:
(1) I think men and women should be treated the same with regard to any judgements based on their sex life.
(2) If women are seen as sluts for sleeping with lots of men, then men should be seen the same way.
(3) If men are seen as studs for sleeping with lots of women, then women should be seen the same way.
(4) Ultimately though, nobody’s character should be judged based on their sexual desired and/or their expressions of those desires.
(5) What if society could take it so far to the point where a person’s sexual exploits were judged in the same capacity as the expression of your favorite color?
… aaaaaaand I started on number (5). I’ll do that from time to time. /:)
Hahaha no worries! I do that all the time. 🙂