Last week, I said the winner of the Redskins – Cardinals game could be decided by a coin flip. That’s essentially what happened. The entire game I had no idea who was going to win. The Redskins won and are 2-0 for the first time in a while. They also have sole possession of first place in the NFC East since relatively forever. Will that last? It’s not likely, but fuck it, I’m going to enjoy it as long as I can. Having the Redskins 2-0 along with the Bills and Lions makes me think that it’s 1991 all over again or something. That’s the last time I can remember that those 3 teams were worth a shit at the same time. Not to say that they’re worth a shit now, but, well, they’re 2-0.

Herewith are my NFL thoughts regarding Week 2 of the 2011 season, a week where Michael Vick was puking and spitting up blood on the sidelines. I can use more of that in my life.

• Mike Shanahan has great big giant balls. Down by 8 late in the 4th quarter but still with enough time if his defense can hold, 4th and 3, he eschews the field goal and goes for it. He puts the fate of the game in Rex Grossman’s hands. That takes serious cajones.
• Rex Grossman’s balls are even bigger. On that 4th and 3, Sexy Rexy had Jabar Gaffney open in the flat for the first down. But passes into the flat aren’t sexy. There’s a reason why it’s called the Fuck It, I’m Goin’ Deep fan club. Dump off to the back for a first down? Ghey. Hit Gaffney for a new set of downs? Way ghey. Watching the replay, you can almost see the point where Rex just says to himself Fuck it, it’s time to Unleash the Dragon. He just whips that ball into the fucking end zone for Santana Moss, who was actually open and actually caught the ball. If Rex had missed that throw or Moss had dropped it, there would be gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over him passing up the “sure” first down. Instead, he makes it, heart attack averted. That’s life with the Sex Cannon.
• And yes, I’d rather have an exciting dude who might fuck everything up (see: forced throw to Moss in the 1st quarter that was picked off) than a Game Manager QB. Fuck game managers. I want someone to whip that thing around, not 200 yards passing with no TDs, no interceptions, and no wins.
• I don’t much like sports talk radio. Especially when mouth-breathers are calling in with some insane rambling conspiracy theory and the hosts take everything all seriously and debate that stupid bullshit. Jim Rome is even worse.
• That said, there is NOTHING more entertaining than listening to Philly sports radio after the Eagles lose. The anguish, the hyperbole, the despair… it’s like aloe vera for the soul.
• Also aloe vera for the soul? Mike Vick getting hurt. I hate that motherfucker.
• Also this week, Tony Romo overcame bruised ribs cracked ribs fractured ribs punctured lungs AIDS polio Death Itself as He rose up-ah from the field of battle-ah to LEAD the Cowboys-ah to a Victory-ah over a shitty, awful NFC West team that trots out Alex Smith as a quarterback and tries to get people to take them seriously. That shitty 49ers team would have actually won if their coach hadn’t panicked and gelded himself towards the end. Gotta have balls to win in this league, Harbaugh. “Keeping the points on the board no matter what” is a pansy cover-my-ass move, and your team lost because you did that. And is also terrible.
• Deangelo Hall said he will target Romo’s ribs. Sportswriters get blustery and hyperbolic as if he’d issued a death threat. It was the “No Shit” statement of the year that will now become a referendum on sportsmanship. I hate most sportswriters.
• I am sorry, Vikings fans. Leslie Frazier might be Mike Singletary 2.0 (Now with Less Pants-Dropping). Keeping Percy Harvin off the field because he’s a playmaker… well, that plan isn’t working out too well for the Chiefs.
• Of course, now Todd Haley of the Chiefs can hand the ball off to Thomas Jones all he wants, which is all he ever wanted. But he’s such a dick he’ll probably give them all to some other back who isn’t as good as Jones, because Todd Haley is a moron.
• The Redskins play the Cowboys in Dallas this week. Ugh. And it’s Monday Night Football. Double ugh. If there is one thing that is fairly certain, it’s that the Redskins will lose on Monday nights or any other national stage game. The ‘Skins also lose to the Cowboys with alarming frequency, no matter how good or bad the teams are relative to each other. The Redskins SHOULD win this: their defense is better, their offense is balanced, and the Cowboys are banged up. SHOULD wins no games. Pick a side, flip a coin, and that’s the team that wins. 50% every week.
• I am not a big Jay Cutler fan, but watching him get absolutely murdered by the Saints at the end of that game was actually painful. It became a coach-on-player hate crime. I think the Saints could have sacked him 84 times if they wanted. By the end of the game, there was an unblocked Saint flying full speed into the backfield every play. It was ugly. A lot of players will do things like take their offensive line to dinner as a thank you. If I were Jay Cutler, I’d take the opposing team’s front 7 out for dinner before every game, in the hopes that when they do tackle me, it’ll be a little more gently.
• If I have 4th and 1 against the Patriots, I’m just gonna kick the field goal and be done with it.
• The Cardinals will easily win the NFC West. The other teams are barely competent.
• I wish Denny Green was still coaching the Cardinals, so he could’ve busted out his “crown their asses” speech after the Redskins game. Rex mistakes leading to a 4th quarter comeback? Ahhh, memories.
• The Bears aren’t very good.
• The Saints, however, are.
• Cam Newton will eventually throw for less than 400 yards. That’s a Me and My Shovel Guarantee!
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ravens. Nice job. Might be helpful to remember that there are 14 other non-Steeler regular season games that you are actually required to play. Plus, you have to win some of them to make it to the playoffs.
• I would LOVE to see Jeff George back in a Colts uniform this year. That would make my week.
• Jason Whitlock made an interesting point about “PEDs” this week. Basically, he said if Peyton could take steroids or HGH to help heal his neck and continue his career, would that be such a big awful thing? I happen to agree with him. Steroids should be tested and made as safe as possible. Improving the human condition is what medicine is all about. The hypocrisy of sports and sports media who condemn some things but ignore others, like, say, painkillers, or cortisone, or every other thing players take or get shot with to do the crazy shit they do week in and week out. People who talk about the Sanctity of Sports should go get fucked.
• Read this article about the NCAA. Fuck them.
• Either Giants or Eagles will lose this week. That’s always nice.