The 2010 First Annual Aravan Awards
Every December, every publication on Earth (and I also believe on Betelgeuse IV, but there might be a magazine there that doesn’t believe in linear time and so form an exception) feels an overwhelming urge to put out a Top Ten List for 2010 of some variety, or hand out awards based on flimsy criteria and dubious decision making. Some wait until later, like The Academy (fitting in America that our most prominent Academy has nothing whatsoever to do with learning), to hand out their own stupid awards, but that’s only so they can milk the process.
Why not? After all, coming up with a top ten list has to be the easiest writing job in the world. Jot down ten things, come up with superficial reasons for their inclusion, and then explain how blatantly wrong you are as just “a way to get people talking about it.” It’s the ultimate mail-it-in, who-gives-a-shit approach to writing.
So I am TOTALLY in!
Here I present the 2010 Aravan Awards, a group of awards in arbitrary categories for arbitrary reasons. Some of the awards might be top ten or five lists. Oh, and since I am both lazy and have a horrible memory for time, I won’t restrict myself to things that came out in 2010, just things that I think I remember seeing in 2010. So without further ado: bring out the cheap plastic statuettes!
The 2010 Aravan Award for Best Movie I Watched In 2010
…goes to Pulp Fiction! I saw it for the umpteeneth time a couple on months ago when flipping channels. How this movie didn’t win Best Picture is a travesty (note: I don’t actually know if it did or didn’t, but umbrage is a great thing for awards and lists). Great dialogue. The only thing that sucks about this movie is that stupid annoying French woman with Butch. Ugh. She’s awful and horrible in every way, but it’s like the one flaw in a beautiful woman that makes all of her other attributes shine a little brighter.
The 2010 Aravan Award For Fine, I’ll Pick a More Recent Movie
And the winner is…Iron Man II! Listen, I don’t go to the theater anymore except for an Act of God. So I saw Iron Man II after buying the DVD at the grocery store for ten bucks. I wanted to see it in the theater but didn’t so sue me. It came out last year (I think) but, hey, it’s more recent than Pulp Fiction.
The 2011 Aravan Award For Best Movie Ever
Thor. ‘Nuff said. Actually, the Thor trailer should have won the 2010 Aravan award for Best Movie. THIS LIST OF AWARDS SUCKS!!1!
The 2010 Aravan Award for Best Song
Well, I don’t listen to current music often. BUT…if a current artist can somehow break through my wall of classic rock and trance techno and make me notice, they deserve something. So congrats go to… Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance! Yes, I actually like Lady Gaga. No, I can’t explain it. Well, I’ll try: she reminds me of Ziggy Stardust, except she’s female, and thus her sex appeal is easier for me to justify. She doesn’t take herself seriously, and she has a singing voice I actually enjoy. I know, I know. It doesn’t make sense. But there it is.
The 2010 Aravan Awards for Worst Performing Artist/Band
OH! Ladies and gentlemen! WE HAVE A TIE! It’s a four-way tie between Billy Joel, Elton John, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Nirvana! Seriously, I hate these fucking people. You know it’s bad when I will change the station from one of them and listen to a commercial instead. NTB Tires would win for Performing Artist over this group of shitty performers.
The 2010 Aravan Award for Best Video Game
Mass Effect 2! Seriously, if you like role-playing games, science fiction, and/or video games, you need to play this game. BUT, you need to play Mass Effect 1 first. Trust me.
The 2010 Aravan Award for Worst New Performing Artist
Kings of Leon, come on down! I know that you could USE some-BAH-DAYYY, so here is a cheap plastic figurine that hopefully gives you latex poisoning or something. You cancelled a concert because your guitarist got bird shit in his mouth after 4 songs. Pussies. Actually, it could have been worse: imagine if they’d had a fifth song they could play.
The 2010 Aravan Award For Best Blog Post Ever
Goes to The Clockmaker! What, bias? Not at all! I am a respectable journalist!
The 2010 Aravan Award for Best Book I Read
Hmmm. This one is actually tough. I read a lot, and the months blur together. I’ll go with Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. I had never read a Discworld novel, and I really enjoyed its send-up of religion. Not in a landslide or anything. Hitch-22 was really good, the latest Malazan book was great as always, I got to read I Am Legend finally…then there was some zombie fantasy novel that turned an entire genre on its ear and made everyone everywhere stand up and take notice…can’t remember its name….
The 2010 Aravan Award for Best TV Show
No surprise here. Good Eats. A day ago I would have gone all ninja on you and blindsided you with X-Play, until I watched Alton’s Xmas special last night. Alton is visited by Saint Nick as The Ghost of Xmas Past essentially, and St. Nick’s parting words were, “Stay frosty. Watch those corners.” Yes, Aliens references on a cooking show. Bravo, Alton, bravo.
The 2010 Aravan Award for Lamest Drama-and Emo-Filled Social Networking Move
Stealth defriending on Facebook! I mean, CHrist, everyone has people on Facebook that they aren’t actually friends with, so when you go out of your way to do it it makes you look like a DIVA. Yes, I am referring to one person that I shan’t name, who many feel is a VIVAcious and wonderful young lady but who I find to be a bit over the top in her emo mutterings. Anyway, it’s a lame move, and thus deserving of an award!
And, Finally, the 2010 Aravan Award for Things He Really Appreciates
1. Lady Aravan. No-brainer here, but her loveliness and grace is only exceeded by her inner strength and beauty.
2. My pack of mutts. I never sleep cold, I am always greeted at the door with joy and enthusiasm, and they don’t have a box I need to clean. I love my girls.
3. Mass Effect. Yes, I love the game that much.
4. Alton Brown. I’ve learned more about cooking this year than the rest of my life combined. I am afraid of nothing, culinarily speaking, anymore.
5. Bob Harper. Our household has lost almost 90 pounds this year. Bob was a big part of this.
6. Big Daddy Drew and Mike Tanier. The funniest, in completely different ways, sports writers in America.
7. CreateSpace. I published a friggin’ novel. People can buy it on Amazon. It didn’t cost me much, and I’ve made money on my book. That’s pretty friggin’ cool.
8. My Droid. Thanks to you, I am never bored enough to become contemplative, unless I’m in my car.
9. My friends. You guys are more my family than my blood relations. Every one of you enrich my life, make me laugh, and bring me great joy. I love you all, even if I don’t like you very much.
10. Finally, last on the list but not least (rather, saved for a poignant and heartstring-pulling maudlin moment), is YOU. Yes, You, the person that is reading this. You read what I write. Why, I don’t know, but I certainly appreciate it more than I could ever say. Writing, in a way, is like having a conversation with no-one and everyone all at once, and You are there to pick up the end of the telephone receiver just dangling from some forlorn payphone in the middle of nowhere and listen to my voice. It means a lot to me. No sarcasm, no bullshit. You are the best, excepting only #1 on this list. Thank you.