Ahhh, Day 5.  Yoga Day.  The idea seemed so calm and serene, especially when I would say “Yo-gaaaaaahhhh,”  which would make me feel like I was saying “Shangri-La.”  I’d been through Bob’s Yoga for the Warrior twice before, and I knew it was hard, but not Pure Burn or Body Rev intense.  I was especially looking forward to it after 4 days of the other stuff, plus my own strength workouts.  My body felt especially sore this morning, after attempting to do 100 pushups in row the day before (and succeeding!  Woo hoo!).  So I was ready for Bob today.  I thought.

At first, everything is great.  I notice that I was absolutely more flexible than before.  I am flowing through my vinyasa (yoga-speak for something good, but I’m not sure what exactly) and do well.  In triangle pose (legs straight, one ahead, one behind, bent at the waist, one hand in the air, one by the foot, looking up), for the first time ever my hand is actually resting flat on the floor.  Whoa.  Other places I’m still struggling, but it’s OK, I am definitely improving.  I am sweating, of course, me and good ole Robert, but it’s all good.  The pushup sequence, after yesterday, is enough to make me whimper, especially when we are doing them with a foot in the air.  The ab exercises are tough, but manageable.  We got this.

Cooldown already.  Nice!  Saddle stretch, legs as far apart as possible and stretch to one side.  I am still horrible at this, I mean flat out awful.  I look over at Lady Aravan, and she’s close to a freaking splits position.  I am amazed, and tell her so.  She’s actually surprised, thinking like she’s not doing it well at all, but there is a HUGE difference in her flexibility.  Impressive.

Ahh, resting comfortably on the back, eyes shut, relaxing, cares drifting away.  Nice.  Sit up, good job.

But it’s not over.

Nope.  Here in Week 3 of Bob’s workout plan, after you do the hour-long yoga sequence, you do the 15-minute ab exercise on the DVD as well.  15 minutes?  Meh.  Easy. My present self could happily travel back in time and punch that smug past self right in the mouth.

What follows is the most intense and painful 15 minutes I can ever remember enduring.  Doing crunches for 15 straight minutes would be easier.  I do a lot of crunches, yes, but there are also bicycle crunches that end with you holding yourself in the position, elbow straining towards your knee, and he makes you alternate elbows touching your knee.  That might sound easy.  It isn’t.  It’s so hard that Bob has to tell Leah to do them better, since her mother is going to see this video.   Her mother must be something else, since Leah starts working harder.

Words fail me.  They really do.  Those 15 minutes of abs are BRUTAL.  We had already worked them earlier, and having to do nothing but freaking ab work is insane and makes me want to weep.  There were inchworm-like things, scissors, things I have no names for.  By the time it’s done, I am so coated with sweat I look like a man who jumped out of a shower and collapsed onto a yoga mat.  But it’s over.  My stomach will forgive me someday.  I feel so relieved that it’s done.

Then my brain, being the smart ass that it is, smirks at me as I rub my poor beleaguered abdominals.  Know what tomorrow is? it asks smugly.  I groan.  Yes, I do.  Tomorrow is the day I’ve been dreading, the workout I have been fearing.  Bob’s Workout.  That’s all the DVD is called.  Bob’s Workout.  As a name, it’s more forbidding than any combination of words I can think of.  He could have called it Insanity (except for trademark issues, probably), or some name that makes it sound like a Camaro model from 1987 like P75XZ, or Iron Force Break You 2000.  No need.  Bob’s Workout says it all.  A cold chill runs up my back just typing it.  If I don’t write anything tomorrow, then you’ll know I didn’t make it.  Think kindly of me.