Author Archives: Alan Edwards
My Spoiler-Free Mass Effect 3 Review
A recent picture of me, Commander Aravan Shepard.
Now that I’m sitting down to type this, I’ve realized that I have no idea who this review would be for. If you played Mass Effects 1 and 2 and loved them, then you don’t need my encouragement. If you played them and hated them, it doesn’t matter what I have to say, because (mild spoiler) Mass Effect 3 is a lot like the first two. And if you have never played Mass Effect at all, then I wouldn’t recommend starting with ME3. Buy the first one and play it. If you liked it, play the second. If you liked that, buy this one. But maybe you’ve played the first 2, liked them, and didn’t know if this one would be any good. Maybe you’re scared. Understandable. I was apprehensive in the extreme. Already this year I’d played a game I was really looking forward to, only to find cruel, bitter disappointment. Maybe it would happen again.
Well, after 30 or so hours of multiplayer, then playing from 6pm to 3 am Tuesday, then 10 am to 2 am on Wednesday, then 11 am to 10 pm Thursday, I can give you my opinion of the game. It’s only one guy’s opinion. Maybe you will disagree. But here is my eleven-word review:
HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED.
The Shane and Rick Episode: Walking Dead S2 Ep10 Review
Last week, the episode ended with Lori whispering sweet and earnest words of love and commitment and how very necessary it was that her husband shoot Shane in the face. This left me wondering if there would be a showdown this week, Shane vs. Rick, the winner getting his just reward of sweet, blissful death and release from a horrible world and loser forced to take on the responsibility for taking care of the screeching harpy they are for some reason fighting over.
I’ve been calling Lori a harpy for a while now, and other reviews I’ve read of this show also seem to frequently use the term in relation to her. So I decided to Google Walking+Dead+Lori+Harpy. It got over 50,000 results. Honestly, I would have expected more.
Anyway, this episode ended up being all about Rick and Shane “settling” their differences, along with a side helping of Suicide Watch and the usual smattering of “what the fuck were they thinking” plans that are the true hallmark of this show.
Now With 30% Less Hate! Walking Dead S2 Ep9 Review
"Kill them, Rick. Kill them all. For me. And Shane's, I mean your, your baby."
When last we saw the world’s most dysfunctional zombie apocalypse survivors, Rick had just blown away two guys from Philly for having the audacity to ask where the group was staying, Lori was suffering from brain damage before she actually suffered head trauma from a car accident, and some blond girl that hardly had any airtime at all before now was catatonic. Is this the week where our prayers our answered and Lori gets eaten, Carl tries to find her and gets eaten, Dale looks for the two of them and gets eaten, and the audience lives happily ever after?
Well, no, not so much. But I do have a confession to make. This episode didn’t make me angry. Not once. I know, right? Crazy. Well, OK, I did get angry once, but that was when they showed the car wreck from last episode, which is still just awful in every way. But other than that, I didn’t hate it. Did it have issues? A couple, but they were minor. Instead, we had a mostly plausible story, maybe for the first time since the first season. So put away your Haterade, pick up a gun, and follow along with our intrepid band of somewhat-less-stupid-than-normal survivors.
It’s Back, and Fast-Paced As Ever: Walking Dead S2 Ep 8
America’s favorite, and only, zombie series on TV returned this past Sunday. The last episode had ended with a climactic massacre of a barnful of “walkers”, culminating in the reveal of Sophia’s walking corpse and Rick’s dispatch of it. It was an exciting part in Season 2, which was a rarity in this bloated, shambling mess of episodes. Would Episode 8 pick up where the last one ended, full of action and suspense and gun-fightin’?
Well, yes and no. It picked up from the exact end of the last episode. Fifty-eight minutes later, there was action. Sigh.
V-Day, Whitney, and Other Random Stuff
I haven’t gotten a chance to watch The Walking Dead yet, but I plan on doing so soon and posting my heartfelt and warm fuzzy feelings about it. So in the meantime, I’ll just spew some random things circulating around my head on this lovely Valentine’s Day.
On Being Nonreligious
I don’t believe in any kind of god. That probably comes as no surprise to anyone who reads my blog even semi-regularly, because I’ve indicated as such multiple times. I’m not ashamed of that fact. Being an atheist and saying so isn’t a big deal to me. On the other hand, I’m not one of those people who make atheism a religion and insists on preaching about the power of nonbelief and how ludicrous religions are and hypocritical and blah blah blah. I don’t honestly give a flying fuck what you or anyone else believes in. And like the Golden Rule, I’d just like the same in return. I don’t want to talk about religion or debate it, although I can. I have no interest. It’s the same thing with discussions about politics: there is not one thing I can say to a believer that will make them change their minds, and there is nothing one of them can say to me that will change my mind. So what’s the point? People who get off on debating that shit in person or on Facebook or Twitter and feel the need to fire slings and arrows at The Other Side constantly are really fucking tedious. I believe the Washington Redskins are the greatest organization in the history of the NFL. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna proselytize about that every day.
Anyway, what got me thinking about this was a recent article on Slate about how atheists are treated, particularly in the Bible Belt, and comparing it to closeted people so afraid of persecution from the community that they dare not come out of the closet. It’s mostly personal anecdotes and study results, including the 2006 University of Minnesota study on the perception of atheism. Ever since I read it, it’s percolated in the back of my brain. I mean, nothing in it was new to me, and I don’t experience the same kind of shunning from my neighbors that the people in the article describe – I don’t talk to my neighbors anyway, because the geographical oddity that resulted in us all deciding to live in the same area is a flimsy basis for me to put in the effort to talk about mulch and the weather – but I’ve found myself thinking about it off and on ever since.
Lana Del Ray and Other Ephemera
Not to imply that Lana Del Ray is ephemeral. Of course, in the cosmic sense she is, but so are all of us, and if you think of our world as a pebble on a beach of blah blah insert philosophical bullshit here. I just wanted to make a post, which I haven’t done in a while, and I figured it would probably be about random shit off the top of my head, said thoughts to be considered transitory and not really lasting and therefore ephemeral. Maybe Lana Del Ray is going to be ephemeral. I’m not here to say. Anyway.
Exercise DVD Review: Bob Harper’s Beginner’s Weight Loss Transformation
I never actually intended on getting the Beginner’s Weight Loss DVD. My wife and I did the whole Inside Out Method Workout Plan, lost 100 pounds between the two of us, and have done well at keeping the weight off. I heard that Bob was making this DVD and I thought, good idea, get a way to prepare people for the other exercise DVDs, good show, all that, but I never thought I personally would use it. See, anytime I hear “beginner’s weight loss” I picture people doing some toe touches followed by a water break while Bob tells some funny anecdote about The Biggest Loser or something, followed by a vigorous set of more toe touches. The idea of a beginner’s workout just didn’t appeal to me.
Then the holidays happened. And by holidays, I mean from, say, Labor Day forward. I stopped working out regularly. My food choices shifted towards unhealthier options. As the weather turned colder and mornings got darker, the idea of getting out of bed at 4:30 am to exercise seemed more and more ridiculous. Pizzas were ordered. Ice cream was consumed. It took a while, but 10 pounds gradually made their way back. The Xmas break was the worst, and by the time it was over I was ordering cheesesteaks and pizza for dinner, eating a foot-long sub and half a large pizza and idly wondering if I should have a gingerbread whoopie pie afterwards. My pants became tighter. Things needed to change.
The Second Annual Aravan Awards, 2011 Edition
I Googled "cheap plastic statue" and got this. I think it qualifies.
Last year, I gave out awards in random categories for the following reason:
…Coming up with a top ten list has to be the easiest writing job in the world. Jot down ten things, come up with superficial reasons for their inclusion, and then explain how blatantly wrong you are as just “a way to get people talking about it.” It’s the ultimate mail-it-in, who-gives-a-shit approach to writing.
So I am TOTALLY in!
This year will be no different! As with last year, the Aravan Awards are a group of awards in arbitrary categories for arbitrary reasons. Oh, and since I am both lazy and have a horrible memory for time, I won’t restrict myself to things that came out this year, just things that I think I remember seeing this year. Or am at least pretty sure I remember experiencing in 2011. Seriously, time is a big-ass blur to me quite often. Maybe it’s the drinking. Anyway, it’s time to haul out the cheap plastic statuettes and give credit where credit is due.
Winter in Derenemyn 