NFL Week 3: Goddamn I Hate the F*****g Cowboys

I am fully aware that sports fandom is a wholly irrational pastime. There is nothing inherently logical about identifying oneself with a group of strangers who wear a particular uniform. “Cheering for laundry” and all that. I get it. But just because my logical brain recognizes and acknowledges this doesn’t mean that the lizard brain way in the back doesn’t get its way. I go nearly insane about my chosen type of laundry. There is something else, though, beyond my deep-seated rooting for the Washington Redskins. That is my hatred for the Dallas Cowboys.

I fucking hate the Dallas Fucking Cowboys.

I hate them worse than anything in the world. I hate them more than poverty. I hate them more than war or racism or cancer or starvation or flip-flops or politics or capri pants or jock itch or man’s inhumanity to man. I hate them with every ounce and fiber of my being. I hate their Crypt Keeper looking plastic-surgery-loving dickbag of an owner who still thinks he built the Super Bowl teams of the 90’s instead of Jimmy Johnson. I hate their cockeating messiah of a quarterback and his bullshit “punctured lung” and everything about him. I hate every single player that has ever suited up for that douchetastic team in all of history. I hate that the media still refers to them as “America’s Team” when America hates their motherfucking guts. I hate their fans. I hate their star. I hate their city. If I had three wishes, I would waste one on a wish that they go 0-16 for 40 straight fucking years. I am that fucking petty and full of hate for that fucking team.

I was raised to hate. My father instilled a deep, poisonous rage in me that defies all logic and sense. The earliest memory I have of being a living human being is watching a Redskins-Cowboys game and the Cowboys winning on a deep fucking bomb late in the 4th quarter. There is a very good chance that it was 1975’s Thanksgiving game when Clint Fucking Longely led those dickbags to a win. That hate has festered in me all my life. I can’t even play Madden without hating the fucking Digital Cowboys to the same level. Some friends of mine still fondly recall a game I was playing as the Redskins against the computer-driven Cowboys in Franchise Mode. When I lost on some bullshit fumble or something, I lifted the controller (which wasn’t mine) and prepared to hurl it into the TV. I paused, thought better, then pulled my wallet from my back pocket and hurled it 50 feet across the house. I was, at that moment, prepared to murder someone and I would have done it happily if anyone had said a word. I was 35 years old at the time.

This really happened last night: I go to bed early since I have to get up early to exercise. I was in bed before the game started. I dreamt all night about that fucking game. One of my dogs, the oldest, the one who almost never gets up during the night, wakes me up whining and looking at the bed. When I’d fallen asleep she was in her normal position at the bottom of the bed. I look at the clock, and see that the game has probably ended not long before. I scoot over and let the dog in the bed to lay next to me, which she hardly ever does, and I actually thought to myself, “The Cowboys won that game and she’s just trying to comfort me.” I really honestly thought that. I am not well.

So, to sum up, I really fucking hate the Cowboys and everything they stand for.

Anyway, other games happened, I guess.

  • Watching the two Eagles DBs run into each other and take each other out, allowing the Giants to score a long touchdown, was awesome. Watching Vick get knocked out of the game was even better.
  • I hate the Cowboys even more than I hate Michael Vick.
  • I was very surprised the Bills pulled off a win over the Patriots. New England’s defense looks really fucking bad, especially if they give up that many points to a Ryan Fitzpatrick squad.
  • You know, I don’t care if the Redskins go 2-14 every fucking year as long as they beat the Cowboys twice. WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU BEAT THOSE FUCKING MOUTH-BREATHING DOUCHECOCKS?
  • I saw the Vikings were up 20-0 at the half, and my heart sank. Sure enough…. I thought at the end, when Jared Allen said “Fuck this shit” and absolutely destroyed any chance Detroit had to win in regulation, that the team would rally and put the game away in OT. There is one thing about McNabb that has always bothered me. After he nearly connected with an open receiver (Berrian? Fuck, I can’t remember FUCKING COWBOYS ARRRRGGGHHHH) for a touchdown to take the lead near the end of the game but overthrew him, McNabb had that  grin on his face like “oh well, that woulda been cool but I really don’t give a shit” that I remember so well from last year. I think it’s that smile that made Philly hate him.
  • I respect one Cowboy, and that’s DeMarcus Ware. Dude can play. That said, if he spontaneously combusted tomorrow and his limbs exploded like overripe melons hurled from a skyscraper I would still feel elated. I told you I am not well.
  • The NFC West is actually worse this year than last.
  • Of course, the Redskins get to play the Rams next week, a team that is awful and hurt and shitty and all that. Coin toss. I will be completely unsurprised if the Redskins lose that game. Fucking Cowboys, man. I hate them so goddamn much.
  • Packers blah blah blah. I don’t think they are as good this year as last year. I like Aaron Rodgers mostly because he pushed Brett Favre out of Green Bay and exposed him as a punk bitch. I don’t see them in the Super Bowl again, though.
  • The Lions and Bills are 3-0 and GODDAMNIT SAV ROCCA DON’T FUMBLE THE GODDAMN SNAP ON A FIELD GOAL IN A 2-POINT GAME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. He is a hell of a punter though.
  • If the Cowboys’ stadium got sucked into a black hole I would laugh and laugh and laugh.
  • Other games happened whatever Kenny Britt got hurt blah blah who cares FUCKING DALLAS GODDAMNIT.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on September 27, 2011, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. You’re hilarious.

    It’s okay. On the NBA side, I feel the same way about the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe Bryant needs to be castrated with a broken Coke bottle.

    • It’s funny – I don’t follow the NBA much anymore and baseball not at all, but I hate the Lakers and the Yankees to an absurd degree as well. Every season seeing those two teams get eliminated from the postseason makes me feel happy. The Hate is strong in me, I guess.

  2. Go with it, son. Play to your strengths. ;D

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