Five Things for Tuesday, January 19th
Posted by Alan Edwards
1. East Coast Italian-Americans have got to be some of the most annoying people on the planet. Mind you, I have a lot of friends who are of this ilk – my best friend since I was 12 among them – so I know of what I speak. Why is it that every single one of them claim to have Mob members in their family (always a cousin or uncle) and insist on pronouncing any Italian food in the most ridiculous manner possible? Really, are you going to say gobbagoo instead of capicolla? Because you think it sounds authentic? It actually makes you sound like a fucking retard. When Italian Americans go to Taco Bell, do they roll their R’s so they can sound Mexican when ordering a berrrr-rito suprrr-emma? When they go to an Irish restaurant, do they put on a high-pitched Lucky Charms leprechaun voice to order corned beef and cabbage? My wife’s grandfather, a legitimate off-the-boat Italian from, you know, Italy, would never talk like that. Why? Because he was in America, and wanted to be an American, not some ridiculous caricature of someone who wants to be recognized as Italian. And it seems to be an East Coast, Philly/New York/New Jersey thing for Italian-descended families, even the ones that are half-Italian or less. I blame the popularity of mob movies for the phenomenon.
2. A friend asked me if I would be rooting for the Vikings or Cowboys this past weekend, because I hate the Cowboys and hate Brett Favre with passion and vigor. I told him that I’d be pulling for the VIkings, because if Osama Bin Laden was playing the Cowboys, I’d convert to Islam on the spot. I hate the Cowboys more than I hate emptying the dishwasher. Now that is some hate right there. The news that Wade Phillips will be back coaching for them next year is fantastic. If there is an opposing coach that you never need to worry about out-coaching your team, it’s ole Wade. It’s like hoping the Eagles will listen to their idiotic fans and ditch McNabb. Yep, he throws a ton of inexplicable one-hoppers to wide-open tight ends, but he wins more than he loses, and I’d much rather face Kevin Kolb any day. Here’s hoping ole Wade earns himself a contract extension.
3. The Redskins staff is taking shape. Mike and Kyle Shanahan, Odo as D Coordinator, an ex-Steelers linebackers coach along with Olividatti (the longest-tenured coach on the ‘Skins. Seriously. Been there TEN YEARS. On a Dan Snyder team. No lie.), ex-Broncos running backs coach. 8-8, here we come! And I’ll take it, happily. It even sounds like Jason Campbell will be back, which is a smart move. Dude is tough.
4. Finally starting to get excited about the editing process for the novel. I have new ideas to flesh out some things and I feel good about it. I honestly think that I write well enough to be a successful writer. Of course, so do an awful lot of people, but without luck, ambition, and drive, the chances are that nothing will come of it. It’s OK. I am finding that I enjoy the process a lot. I might even get to have, like, a hundred people read my book when it’s done, and to me, that’s a lot. If a hundred people want to read something I’ve written, then I am happy. A million would be awesome, but a hundred is OK for me too.
5. Check out Tosh.0 on Comedy Central if you haven’t given it a try. It may not be your thing, but the dude cracks me the fuck up.