Five Things for Wednesday, 9/30

1.  I graduated last night!  My wife and I have finished our regular therapy sessions, with a healthy and happy relationship with each other, each of us better and stronger and more forgiving of ourselves even as we recognize our faults.  I am incredibly proud of both of us; the road was the most difficult one I have ever had to go down, and along the journey there were many times that I just didn’t want to face another day.  With hard work, honesty, trust, and willingness to fully invest in the process, we have become a healthy and happy couple once more.  I can’t give enough credit to our awesome therapist, and to each of us for sticking to what we said we would do.  Yay us!

2.  The Redskins play the Bucs at home this week, coming off a painful loss in Detroit that has reverberated through the Redskins’ fanbase.  There is talk of Revolution (seriously) among the fans.  The sky has fallen and smothered the hope of a fanbase in 3 weeks.  I even echoed those sentiments to a degree, but not to the level of the blogging Skins fans.  This week, the Redskins will win.  Will it be ugly?  At times, yes.  Will they look competent?  Absolutely – at points, they will look like a team which is capable of beating anybody, which is exactly what they are.  Sadly, they beat themselves just as often as they beat the other guys.

3.  Every time I watch network television, I am dumbfounded at its incredible mediocrity.  I watched the beginning of the Jay Leno show – my wife held the remote and so I lay, impotent and powerless – and I couldn’t believe that anyone would think that this was a good idea.  Watching Leno’s body language, I couldn’t help but feel like he was mailing it in harder than Randy Moss in a Raider uniform.  He couldn’t be enjoying it, but I’ll bet he loves the numbers that get direct deposited into his bank account every week.  I’d do it myself.  Did I laugh hard during his opening monologue?  Absolutely!  But that was just because I repeated everything he said in my Jimmy from South Park voice and cracked myself up.  Have you heard about this?  Have you read this?

4.  Ever get handed something by someone at work that looks really important, and they talk to you about it, only it really doesn’t pertain to your job, and you don’t need to do anything with it, so you just hang on to it because you aren’t sure if someone is going to expect you to be able to produce it at some point in the future?  I have an entire desk drawer full of stuff like that.  Every two years or so I throw it all away and start collecting the next batch.  Wow, a copy of the Salary Deferral Plan Summary for 2009?  Awesome!  Thanks!  /pull open drawer, insert stack of paper, close drawer, forget it exists in .004 seconds

5.  I fucking hate flip flops so bad.  I hate wearing them and haven’t since I was maybe ten.  You go to the beach as a kid, psyched as all hell, ready to pee in the largest body of water you’ve ever seen, and your parents buy you these 29 cent “shoes” to wear on the beach.  You are supposed to insert this nylon rope between two of your toes and allow its exposed raw fibers sandpaper away the sensitive skin that otherwise never gets in contact with anything but the toe next to it or your finger.  These monstrosities slide all over the place as you walk, making this godawful THWOCK noise with every step.  Sometimes you misjudge and catch the edge of the “shoe” on the sidewalk or whatever and drive the top of your toes directly into the asphalt.  THANKS MOM!  MAYBE YOU CAN GET ME THAT ASBESTOS SNORKEL TO GO WITH MY NEW SHOES!

I also hate people that wear them everywhere.  At work they call them “sandals” and they cost $100, but they are still goddamn flip flops that make that goddamn THWOCK noise as the hags that wear them walk down the halls.  Why on earth do these people think I want to see their disgusting, stubby, stanky ass feet while I’m working?  College students are the worst.  I think that in most cases the flip flops are actually symbiotes from space that bond with their host, making them unable to put on any other piece of goddamn footwear when they go to Friendly’s.  The only thing worse than the public-wearing flip flop mouth-breathing masses are those douchebags that wear shower shoes.  Outside.  In public.  Fucking shower shoes.  People need to realize how fucking nasty their crusty-heeled, hammer-toed, black-nailed, fungus-covered feet are and cover them the fuck up while I am around.

My wife, however, has adorable feet and can wear whatever she wants.  She also takes care of them, unlike the rest of the nasty-ass masses.

About Alan Edwards

Former cancer caregiver. Husband of the most magical and amazing person who ever lived.

Posted on September 30, 2009, in Kerfluffle and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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