Monthly Archives: September 2020

Our Love Story, Part 26: The Funeral

A few weeks ago, on August 10th, the clothes I will be buried in arrived at the house. It was not lost on me that they arrived on the one-year anniversary of Julienne’s funeral, even though I ordered them in May. My life with Julienne is full of coincidences that, as far as I am concerned, are anything but.

There’s nothing to worry about regarding me ordering my burial clothes. I have no plans on dying any time soon. I am sadly healthy, so far as I know. I’m not young, though I am not old either. I’m not at the twilight of my life, but the afternoon has definitely faded to evening and the shadows are getting longer. The reason I decided to order them is very simple: I now understand the importance of planning your death, to one degree or another. It can happen at any time, and it most assuredly will happen, so I’ve decided to start getting things ready, just in case, so I can have them available to whoever is left to deal with me after the end and knows what I want.

As I have learned, it is one of the kindest things you can do for your loved ones.

***

I left Julienne’s side after her parents and brother arrived. I was in shock and numbed. I walked out of the room in a daze. I may have talked to Lucy, there may have been other people there, I don’t know. That immediate period of time is an impenetrable haze. I do remember calling our nurse, Heather, and getting in contact with the death doula, Lee. Those were immediately important contacts. I also remember going back into the bedroom and seeing her family around her and just dying a little more inside, seeing everything and knowing that Julienne was gone. I got on my knees at the foot of the bed and held her leg and pushed my face into the gold silk comforter she’d just recently gotten (after spending many years looking for one with no luck) and screamed into it but no sound would come out and I thought at that moment I was going to die, and I really wanted it to happen.

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