Monthly Archives: December 2010

Why Hello, Soreness, It’s Been Awhile

Hey, old buddy!  How are you doing?  Man, I can’t remember the last time you were around.  It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt that real true aching soreness that you bring!  I mean, when I was working out regularly, I barely noticed you at all – it was like you were around, you know, but kinda in the background.

Well, a few weeks off, and BAM!  You’re back, loud and proud, ain’tcha?  Hoo boy.  I forgot the joys and pleasure your presence brings around, like the complete inability to take my shirt off by raising my arms, the agony of stairs, the grimace of pain every time I stretch to reach for something.  Wow, it’s really great to see you again, really. Read the rest of this entry

Meet Rex Grossman, Starting QB for the Redskins

A lot of people have asked for my reaction to Donovan McNabb getting benched and Rex “Sex Cannon” Grossman getting the start against Dallas this week.  OK, a few people did.  Or one.  Fine, in actuality no one did.  But I am going to talk about it anyway.

My flip one-liner response that came to me right after I heard the news was this: Wow, I would care if it was still football season. Read the rest of this entry

The 2010 First Annual Aravan Awards

Every December, every publication on Earth (and I also believe on Betelgeuse IV, but there might be a magazine there that doesn’t believe in linear time and so form an exception) feels an overwhelming urge to put out a Top Ten List for 2010 of some variety, or hand out awards based on flimsy criteria and dubious decision making.  Some wait until later, like The Academy (fitting in America that our most prominent Academy has nothing whatsoever to do with learning), to hand out their own stupid awards, but that’s only so they can milk the process. 

Why not?  After all, coming up with a top ten list has to be the easiest writing job in the world.  Jot down ten things, come up with superficial reasons for their inclusion, and then explain how blatantly wrong you are as just “a way to get people talking about it.”  It’s the ultimate mail-it-in, who-gives-a-shit approach to writing.

So I am TOTALLY in! Read the rest of this entry

Video Game Review: Fable 3

(Note: This was originally going to be a short review; I even titled it that way.  I took the “Short” out after I reached 800 words.)

The best thing about writing reviews for sequels is that I can just assume you know everything there is to know about the preceding one.  That’s probably the exact opposite approach that I should take, but I think it’s good enough.

Fable 3: It’s a lot like Fable 2, but with better guns. Read the rest of this entry


After hearing multiple admonishments to help “put Christ back into Christmas”, I’ve decided that I would do my part.  From now on, I will be referring to the holiday that I celebrate every December as Xmas.  It has nothing to do with mangers or nativities or loose women claiming they got knocked up even though they were virgins, I swear, Joseph, really.  It has to do with the pure essence of the season, the thing that puts a warm glow in the heart and the bright glimmer of joy in the eye. 

I am, of course, talking about toys.

Read the rest of this entry

It’s Just One Day

How many times have we told that to ourselves, just before we completely overindulge in high-calorie, low-health food? It’s one of those things that we tell ourselves to rationalize away the self-sabotaging stories. Others, like “there are no calories at a party” or “no calories if the food comes from someone else’s plate” are meant as little jokes, something everyone can chuckle over since they know it isn’t true, and yet at its core, it’s still rationalization. Read the rest of this entry

Modern-Day Myths

It seems to me that sometime shortly after Man began taking his first tottering, uncertain steps without using his knuckles, he became totally, utterly bored.  Reality was so disenchanting and dull.  The tribe was unimpressed by the truth of the deer Grog brought back from the hunt: sick from disease and weakened by thirst and fever, the animal fell behind the pack and just sort of laid down on the ground and Grog just hit in the head with the big rock.  It’s Truth, but it is also Dull.  So one day, Grog decided to embellish the story just a little: now, Grog let fly with a rock just as the majestic deer was in mid-leap across the stream that would forever deny the lucky tribe their tasty venison, and his powerful throw that struck the deer in the head saved them all from starvation.

On the one hand, it’s true: Grog hit a deer in the head with a rock, killed it, and took it back to camp where everyone fed.  It’s just the circumstances behind the Truth that are subtly changed.  And thus, as Man realized how exciting the world could be, he began to copulate like mad to fill this exciting new world.  And along with all of the children who would, millenia later, be genetically honed to become department-store perfume salespeople and middle managers, the Myth was born.

It might have happened something like that.  The Truth is undoubtedly more dull and obvious.

Read the rest of this entry


There are a lot of perfectionists in the world.  Perhaps you yourself are one of them, or know someone who is.  Many famous people are perfectionists, especially artists of all stripes, honing their craft or whatever they are working on, striving for exactly the right sound or feel or look.  Take Ralph Ellison.  He wrote Invisible Man, a highly successful novel that was judged at one point as the best American novel since World War II (world wars being the demarcation point for literary eras, apparently).  That was pretty much it.  He published a collection of essays, but he was too much of a perfectionist to ever finish the sequel to his novel.  He apparently had over 2000 pages written when he died, but wasn’t close to finishing it.  He was even unsatisfied with Invisible Man, a book so remarkable that I didn’t entirely hate every word of it when I was forced to read it in high school (have no fear, I didn’t read all of it, but the parts I read weren’t excruciating like most of the rest, but especially Moby Dick and The Scarlet Letter, oh, and The Red Badge of Courage, god how I hated them).  I can picture musicians being the same way, tweaking individual notes and sounds until just the right sound emerges.

What a horrible-sounding way to go through life.

Read the rest of this entry

Video Game Review: Dead Rising 2

I mostly review things that have been available for a while.  It’s rare for me to hurry out and get The Latest Thing, so when I review something, it’s after the whole marketing blitz.  Bob Harper’s DVDs were the rare exception, and that was just kind’ve coincidental timing.  I still write the reviews, though, for two reasons.  One is that I want to, and I don’t care whether it’s timely or not (next week: the Robocop Movie Review!).  The other is this: if you knew you wanted it when the product came out, you bought it already (and it’s always more fun to read a review if you own the product or have seen the movie, since you can either get your opinion reaffirmed or get properly worked up over the review’s idiotic points), and if you didn’t want it you aren’t going to based on a review, OR you were undecided, and this, THIS is my chance to tip you over the edge in one direction or another and help nudge you into the proper choice in the matter.  But, yeah, mostly for reason #1. Read the rest of this entry

A Month After Hitting My Weight Goal

It’s been about a month since I hit my weight goal.  I say “about” because I can’t remember exactly when I did and am WAY too lazy to actually do, you know, research.  I’ll call it a month, since it’s a great way to shorthand it.  I think it’s close.  Well anyway, it’s been a month since I hit my goal weight.  I wondered what would happen when I did.  Would things change?  Would I go back to old habits?

Turns out, no, everything seems to be the same.  That’s it!  Thanks for reading. Read the rest of this entry